Now is the time of the year when all sorts of crappy movies are hitting the theaters as movie studios clean house before Summer Blockbuster season rolls in and buys Jerry Bruckheimer a new Porsche. It is my job as Vilification Tennis film critic to review these pieces of trash but in so doing, I steadfastly refuse to actually pay money to attend the films.
So, keeping in mind I have seen none of the shitty movies about which I am writing, here is why you should skip the following films that are currently in the theater:
Cop Out
Look, if you want to see a funny buddy cop spoof, buy “Hot Fuzz.” Yes, I did say “buy” because once you watch it, you will be physically unable to return the movie and you do NOT want to get kneecapped by the Netflix police.
Oh, I hear all you rabid Kevin Smith fans out there saying that you love Kevin Smith and you’ll go see anything your personal geek deity produces but I got two words for you losers – “Jersey Girl.” You heard me. Not a one of you douchebags went to see that movie. Nobody went to see that movie. Get your head out of your ass. Kevin Smith has made some shitty movies. This is one of them.
Go home and whack off to “Chasing Amy” again while you dream a lesbian would actually switch sides just for you.
Remember Me
Spoiler Alert!
This movie is just two hours of that dude who plays the angsty vampire in “Twilight” playing an angsty non-vampire whose dad gets killed on 9/11. What genius thought anyone would want to watch a movie like this?
Brooklyn’s Finest
Have you even heard about this movie? Neither have I. Not a good sign.
The Bounty Hunter
Quick, name a movie starring Jennifer Aniston that was good.
I’m still waiting.
Fuck. Yes, you are right, “Office Space” was a good movie. That wasn’t her fault. Name one since them.
OK, “The Iron Giant” is awesome but she was just doing voice over work so that doesn’t count.
Oh don’t even start on “The Good Girl!” I’ll bet none of you even watched that movie and you just went out to Rottentomatoes to find a movie of hers that the critics liked. Well I saw “The Good Girl” and you know what? It was a really fucking good movie. But none of you saw it. Hardly anyone saw it. Doesn’t count.
Jennifer Aniston is about as good at picking films as Eddie Murphy. Only difference is that Eddie Murphy never got dumped by Brad Pitt. So far as we know.
She’s Out of Your League
OK, let me get this straight – after movies like “Revenge of the Nerds” and “Knocked Up” have shown us that nerdy losers can score hot chicks in the movies any time they want to, you are making a movie in which you want us to believe that can’t happen? Really?
Fuck you.
Repo Men
All you need to know is that this is not a sequel to the cult hit “Repo Man.” False advertising, motherfuckers.
