ARIES March 21 – April 19
You may not look like James Dean but at least you know how to drive a car.
TAURUS April 20 -May 20
Despite his promise, your date tonight will not tell you when he’s going to come. However, I have him clocked at 07:39. Good luck!
GEMINI May 21 – June 20
Drink all the Gatorade you want, you’re no athlete, tubby. Although you might have a strong pitching arm from throwing all that food into your face…
CANCER June 21 – July 22
Dude! I just heard from Debbie who said that Roni told her that Sam said Mickey told him that Michelle and Michael were walking in the mall when they heard that Jodie and Peter told Brittany that Jenny told them that you wear hearted boxers and we were like “How do you KNOW that?” and she said that you answered the door wearing them and a t-shirt and she said your dick was hanging out and that it was small and that your t-shirt had Garfield on it.
LEO July 23 – August 22
Somebody, we’re not sure who, that you will see today, for sure, is feeling “stabby”.
VIRGO August 23 – September 22
Thou art blessed for, whenever thou heareth the word “anthrax”, thou thinketh equally of the deadly bio-terror and Scott Ian.
LIBRA September 23 – October 22
When you walk for muscular dystrophy, don’t do a silly walk. That’s just rude.
SCORPIO October 23 – November 21
Do ya think anyone’s ever been killed by a Lego maniac? Do you ever think about stuff like that?
SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21
Try to walk a mile in your brother’s shoes. Think about what it’s like to be the older brother, for once. Imagine living up to the pressure of being the official favorite. The frustration of always having to take care of your lame bullshit. You think this shit’s easy, asshole? Go make me a sammich.
CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19
Rosanna Arquette dated both Toto (Yes, the whole band.) and Peter Gabriel. This indicates a heightened chance that Rosanna Arquette might fuck you.
AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18
Here’s a tip, poindexter: Knowing the stardate of every Star Trek episode and it’s many spinoffs, you will probably never know a real date but will get told to “fuck off”.
PISCES February 19 – March 20
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
