ARIES March 21 – April 19
It’s probably not a good idea to purchase all of your lime and cement mix from the same store. It might even behoove you to start using a remote location in the woods.
TAURUS April 20 -May 20
Your new haircut is super ugly. Go ask your boyfriend how it looks and then deprive him of sex for a week.
GEMINI May 21 – June 20
Do you see where there is only one set of footprints in the ground? It is then that I carried you into my van.
CANCER June 21 – July 22
Cancer Cancer bo bancer, banana fanna fo fancer, me my mo mancer…Cancer!
LEO July 23 – August 22
It is my distinct displeasure to inform you that you are the only person in the world aroused by the aroma of Axe Body Spray.
VIRGO August 23 – September 22
@*#$! Hangnail!
LIBRA September 23 – October 22
Explaining anything to your husband about why you’re leaving him would be difficult. Don’t worry, though. He’ll get over it while screwing younger, more attractive women while you chew on your own hubris.
SCORPIO October 23 – November 21
You’re really more of a boy than a man. Which doesn’t mean you won’t be tried as an adult, pervert.
SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21
Klaatu barada nikto!
CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19
Trim that shit, bitch! This ain’t 1976 and “Bush” ain’t president no more!
AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18
Is life but a dream? Are we merely experiencing the waking world through eyes that can not comprehend what we are not seeing? Does a separate world exist, parallel to our own, in which our souls exceed the limits of our mortal shells while we subconciously collect ethereal detrius that our minds interperet as experience and memory? I do not know the answers to these questions but I am totally calling Corey for some more of this bomb indica!
PISCES February 19 – March 20
Ironically, smooth jazz does not go down easy.
