“My plight is against the same type of discrimination that the Women’s Sufferage Movement was against, the Civil Rights Movement was against and the Gay Rights Movement is against. I am the Rosa Parks of the pedophile community,” proclaimed a teary-eyed James Bartel who insisted on being called “Gummy” for the rest of the interview.

When asked exactly how one of the most abhorred segments of our population could possible claim to be struggling for equal rights, one could see the fire behind Gummy’s eyes as he spat back, “It is exactly those stereotypes that are part of the problem! I should not be considered an outcast or a freak, or deviant because of who I am! I AM NOT A CLOWN!”

This reporter carefully pointed out to Gummy all the evidence to the contrary, which seemed to hit a sore spot, “That’s just it! This is simply a uniform. This is a uniform to allow me to perform my work to the best of my abilities. I don’t know how to make balloon animals, I don’t know how to juggle, and I certainly don’t know how to ride a unicycle! Look, when you go to a McDonald’s for lunch you don’t assume everyone behind the counter LOVES polo shirts and dockers, right? No, of course not, they are there to serve food, and they wear the required uniform to fulfill that duty, I am simply doing the same for my chosen field.”

While support has been slow in coming, there is talk of local hands-y magician Paul “Hidden Thumbs” Petrolli throwing the full weight of his support behind Gummy. When reached for comment H.T. had this to say, “Perhaps united, we can make intolerance disappear.”

Parents sensed that something was amiss after the display of revenge on the field. “They should have been celebrating” said one father. “We knew there was something rotten in Denmark when our boys doused that…that bastard with cold, cold liquid instead of jumping for joy amongst themselves. I would never imagine doing that to a coach who led you to such an amazing and important victory unless, of course, he used sex and fear as a weapon against you.”

Graphic details of Barber’s inappropriate behavior have been released including his penchant for sticking his nose into the hind quarters of the players. A place that many agree his nose “simply doesn’t belong”. Many wondered why Barber coached little league, in the first place, since his area of athletic expertise lay in figure skating and not baseball. Presumably, Barber’s feelings of inadequacy boiled over after being confronted with the awesomeness of baseball, causing him to molest the gifted little league players.