The cast of Vilification Tennis is saddened to announce that we will soon be losing one of our cast due to a horrible accident.
At our March 7th show, Laurie gave Mark a blow job while the two of them were in our “isolation booth” on Lake Street. “I thought it would be really funny,” Laurie admits,”besides, he gave me a twenty.”
While the act of fellatio did cause the audience to laugh, it also exposed Laurie to a very dangerous disease. A recently published article by University of Minnesota researcher Buddy Guy indicates that giving Mark a blow job on Lake Street causes throat cancer in laboratory rats.
Guy admits that his sample size is fairly small given the number of rats he was able to find who would actually give Mark a blow job. “Of that number,” he goes on, “less than half were actually able to locate his member.”
He points, out, however, that of those rats actually able to perform the act, 100% are “dead, dead, dead. Horribly dead. You don’t want to die that way. Watching what happened to them has scarred me for life.”
Mark admits that he was aware of the research but says “I thought she knew. My bad.”
Tia Longenbragger, a spokeswoman for S.H.A.M.U (Stupid whores who Have A rare form of cancer because they sucked Mark’s Unit) says “all of this was avoidable if she’d only just visited our website and learned the consequences of unprotected comedy.”
If there is a silver lining, it is that Laurie is really not 100% sure what she sucked was actually Mark’s penis. “It could have been a pubic hair,” she surmises, “or some sort of worm.”
“Eeeeew,” added Dr. Guy.
Laurie says the best part is that the twenty bucks she got from Mark covered her co-pay for the tests. She has downplayed reports of plans to give Mark additional blow jobs to pay for future visits.
Our thoughts and prayers go out to Laurie, her friends and family (although we recommend that they refrain from sexual contact with her until the tests come back.)
