Newest Twilight Film is probably a piece of crap

As your Vilification Tennis movie critic, I’m frequently offered chances to preview the latest films before I review them.  For awesome shit like Iron Man 2, I’m happy to accept these obvious bribes.  If they toss some swag my way, I might even write a kind word or two about their films.

But let me tell you right now that even if the studio had offered me a free night with Kristin Stewart, I would not have taken free tickets to Eclipse.  A guy has to have his standards.

While I can’t say for sure this is true, I have to say that Eclipse is one of the worst movies I haven’t seen this year.  Oh sure, I haven’t seen a lot of crappy films.  I didn’t get to Jonah Hex either, but I was almost tempted to see that one.  I don’t have any interest in Eclipse.

The plot of the film probably has something to do with some whiny teenaged girl being in love with a whiny vampire dude and a whiny werewolf dude and nobody is ever going to have sex with anyone.  Or maybe they will.  By the time it happens, I have a good feeling that I wouldn’t have given a shit.

Teenagers whine.  The best movies about teenagers poke fun at their incessant whining.  The Twilight films are in love with it.  The chick who is in love with the vampire or the werewolf or both (who the fuck cares) wants to become a vampire so she can be a whiny teenager forever.

Jesus.

That would be like spending eternity watching the same fucking episode of the MacNeil/Lehrer Report.

If you have a teenage girl with questionable taste, you are probably stuck going to this movie anyway.  You may discover that everything I’ve written about the plot is dead wrong.

But – and this is important – you will have seen the movie.  That means I win.