Most people think orgies are pretty self-explanatory. If you’re going to host an orgy, all you need to do is put clean sheets on the bed and buy the family pack of lubricated condoms, right? WRONG.
The true group-sex connoisseur appreciates the difference between run-of-the-mill DVDA and a sensual, exciting group experience that will linger – just like a good case of gonorrhea. Following our expert tips will ensure an evening of blissful gang-banging.
- Invest in good sheets. You’ll be rolling around quite a bit on them, and nothing kills the mood like bad rug-burn on the knees from cheap low-thread-count sheets. Consider organic bamboo sheets, well-known for smoothness and breathability, or if your budget will stretch, high thread-count Egyptian cotton. www.bedbathandbeyond.com offers a great selection of both bamboo and Egyptian cotton sheet sets – and don’t forget the pillowcases!
- Consider atmosphere. No one’s going to feel sexy looking at your last electric bill, so clean up. Tidy away the evidence of daily life, and concentrate on how special this evening really is. Place candles in strategic locations (preferably scented with vanilla, jasmine, or other erotic aromas), for both mood and lighting.
- Avoid awkwardness. Your orgy will be a much more delightful experience if all your toys, condoms, lubricants, and restraints are within easy reach. If you don’t own a bedside table, perhaps now is the time to invest.
- Have appetizers and beverages on hand for both before and after. If your guests don’t know each other, they may feel more comfortable having something to eat and drink before things get going as a way to relax and get in the mood. A light snack beforehand and a more high-protein nosh afterward will keep everyone’s energy up.
For Before: Cheese and Fruit Platter
This little platter can be easily assembled and requires a minimum of prep work. Plus, it’s quick to refill in case your guests have more of an appetite than you’ve anticipated – and the leftovers can be nibbled on afterward too.
You’ll need:
- Carr’s Table Water Crackers, 1 box cracked pepper and 1 box original for every 4 guests. These are absolutely the best crackers for serving with cheese, but if you must be economical, original Triscuits will work in a pinch.
- Cheeses: At a minimum, you should have Brie, Chevre (goat cheese, preferably seasoned with basil and oregano), and a hard cheese such as white or sharp Cheddar. You can add or substitute to your taste.
- Fruit: Choose finger fruits that require little or no preparation. We recommend grapes, strawberries, or dried fruits such as cherries or apricots.
- Nuts: These are optional, but a nice extra touch. Almonds, cashews, or dry roast peanuts are all good choices.
For After: Open-Faced Egg and Ham Sandwiches
Super easy to make and devour, your guests can even assist with making these sandwiches.
You’ll need:
- Bread
- Sliced Cheese (we like sharp cheddar, but up to you)
- Thick-sliced Ham
- Eggs
- Salt and pepper to taste
Layer the bread with a slice of cheese on top. Warm ham in a frying pan and place another slice of cheese on top. Cook egg over-easy on high heat. Alternately, you can scramble the eggs and cook omelet style, folding it up to fit onto the sandwich.
Beverages: Having a good selection of wine on hand (at minimum 1 white and 2 reds) is not only a good way to satisfy thirst, but also an excellent conversation starter. A person’s taste in wine is so subjective that you’ll be halfway to the bedroom before discussion of different varietals is done – and that extra touch of class that comes from good wine doesn’t hurt!
Non-alcoholic beverages are just as important. Have juice, soda, and club soda available for refreshment either during or afterward. Your guests will be thirsty after all that hard pounding away.
BRAVO! You’ve successfully hosted your orgy and provided an evening’s entertainment that your guests won’t soon forget!
