ARIES March 21 – April 19
No means no but silence implies consent. Chloroform.
TAURUS April 20 -May 20
You will die of a heart attack today unless your name is “Xanadu”. If your name is “Xanadu”, your dick will fall off. Who’s the lucky one?
GEMINI May 21 – June 20
This will be a good week to give spare change to the beggars in your neighborhood. Hint: One of them has a knife and a fear of rejection.
CANCER June 21 – July 22
The universe will provide answers to many of the questions you have been pondering such as “How much does kerosene cost?”, “How far is it to the old family cabin?”, and “Exactly how many kittens will fit into this Army surplus duffel bag?”.
LEO July 23 – August 22
Progress at your place of business will come much faster if you cease to refer to good things as being “tits”.
VIRGO August 23 – September 22
Eat that oatmeal, motherfucker!
LIBRA September 23 – October 22
Getting a Marine Corps tattoo is meaningless unless you were actually in the Marine Corps. Real Marines will find out and be displeased with you. By displeased, I mean trained killers will pound the shit out of you in a bar fight, Private Pyle.
SCORPIO October 23 – November 21
An astonishing amount of work has gone into you being who you are. From your conception, feeding and schooling you, to years spent learning a useful trade. All of the people who have touched your life for better or worse. You have become THE most respected of all parking enforcement officers. Truly, yours is the saddest horoscope of all.
SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21
Who wears short shorts? YOU wear short shorts. Knock it off. You’re a dude. That’s disgusting.
CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19
Get as mad as you want at your pregnant fourteen year old daughter, it’s still your fault for being a lousy father. If you could have kept that marriage together, that other man would never have moved into your house. If you thought you hated watching Woody Allen movies before…
AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18
The secret to aging gracefully, unfortunately, lies with dying young. You think seat belts are uncomfortable, anyway.
PISCES February 19 – March 20
Fortune smiles upon you, today! More to the point, it fails to shine upon your rival who will be flattened by a comically sized triangular 16 ton weight. Take comfort from knowing that your crow’s feet came naturally while hers came from actual crows walking on and picking the flesh from her pancaked corpse.
