“We realized that the drag queen was the fastest rising group of cosmetics users in the market today, and we wanted to focus on this untapped market potential,” said CoverGirl spokeswoman Rebecca Neustedt in a recent GQ Magazine interview.  “With that in mind, we wanted to create a line of cosmetics that worked better with their skin types and pH levels.”

The response has been swift from other cosmetics manufacturers.  Avon consultants have already been seen in the Castro district of San Francisco, and Maybelline’s new “She wasn’t born with it, so it must be Maybelline” ad posters have sprung up in gay bars across the country.

After a prolonged engagement, your husband-to-be will be flattened by a Greyhound bus days before the wedding. It’s okay, he was going to be impotent within five years, anyway.

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

No one appreciates a good fisting more than you. Try to remember, though, that many people don’t appreciate it, at all. Once you let this all sink in, you’ll understand why you’re in that jail cell.

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

Today is a great day for skydiving! Trust me!

CANCER June 21 – July 22

Your illegitimate son is still unaware of your existence. Your nomadic lifestyle doesn’t seem like so much of a hassle now, does it?

LEO July 23 – August 22

You truly capture the spirit of your sign in the Zodiac! Actually, you’re more like the Detroit Lions. Sorry.

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

Sure, you may say ridiculously stupid things but you mean to say ridiculously intelligent things. Try to take comfort in that, Charly.

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

It’s a beautiful day! Take some time off and head down to the beach. Try not to worry about whether sand crabs can effectively breed with your crabs.

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

This one is for Mike D: Is it safe to call you “Spinach D” yet?

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

I’m sorry. I don’t have time to do your horoscope, Ghostbusters II is on television, right now.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

I’m getting real sick of saying this but there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that Doomsday would win in a fight with The Incredible Hulk. Do you know how fucking stupid you sound when you say that? Why does everyone who started reading comix in the early nineties think that they’re some sort of high falootin’ authority on theoretical brawls? Don’t dip in the kool-aid if you don’t know what the flava is!

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

You agree with me, don’t you?

PISCES February 19 – March 20

Stay golden, Pony Boy.

Following the personal tirade, Rebar focused his attention on the entire crowd and accused them of lacking all common sense and threatening to “eat their souls and send them to hell”. After the veins in Rebar’s head returned to the inside of his scalp, he attempted to apologize to the crowd by saying “I’m just kidding. my sense of humor is dark, don’t you fucks get it?”

Comment cards were meticulously filled out by many members of the audience and management of the Chuckle Depot politely asked Rebar to gain carnal knowledge of himself. This is the third time Rebar has been forcibly and justifiably removed from the premises of a comedy club.

No.

Unless you want to blame him for the fact were are getting a fucking Smurf movie next year, the only thing Avatar proved was that the movie going public will watch anything in 3D, even if it is just Dune with Aliens.

Hell, what am I saying?Everyone in Dune was an alien. I think. That movie didn’t make a whole lot of fucking sense.

If Clash of the Titans is any indication, the most lasting legacy of Avatar will be movie studios pumping a shit ton of money into shitty 3D. If you can count on one thing in Hollywood, it is that they will key in on the one element of a film that had nothing to do with its success and that is what they will try to emulate.

They look at Star Wars and figure it is popular because people like robots with British accents. They look at any movie starring Tom Cruise that actually made money and assume it was popular because of Cruise and not because the story was interesting. They look at The Lord of the Rings and figure it was popular because Orlando Bloom looks good in pointy ears.

So the odds are that the lasting legacy of Avatar will be shitty 3D and blue aliens.

Thanks a fucking lot Mr. Cameron.

Last month we began our series with general clean-up tips, and an in-depth look at blood and semen stains. This month we’re returning to our potty-training days, and delving into clean-up techniques for urine stains.

Urine Stains

Generally, the worst thing about a urine stain is the smell. The stain itself will easily come out of most fabrics with a simple run through the washing machine or trip to the dry cleaners. If you’re in public, though, or can’t wash the stained item, here are a few ideas to help minimize the embarrassment!

When treating fabrics with any kind of product, it’s always a good idea to do a test patch before you attack head-on. Use a small, unobtrusive area where any damage will be hidden, and treat in the same way as you intend to handle the larger stain.

If your stain is on car upholstery, your easiest solution is to go professional. A car detailer will be able to shampoo your car upholstery for you. In the meantime, soak up as much of the urine as possible using clean 100% cotton rags, or paper towels.

Shaving cream will also work to clean up stains. After you’ve soaked up the urine, scrub the area with a soft-bristle brush, or an old toothbrush, and blot up the shaving cream. You can repeat this process as many times as necessary.

If you’re in public and can’t change clothes, you need to use cold water to flush out as much of the urine as possible from your fabric. Remove the clothing item and run the stain under the water for a good minute or two. Use a hand dryer to hide the evidence, and run your clothes through the washing machine as soon as you can.

Mattresses, while awkward, are somewhat easier to clean because the outside is always hidden from view. Ideally, take your stained mattress outside, and rub a strong solution of bleach and water on the stains: about 1 cup bleach to 1 gallon of water. Use clean rags, and let the solution work before flushing it with clean water. Let the mattress air-dry, or place a fan on it.

Vinegar and water mix is an excellent all-purpose cleaner for the household, and works well for stains of all types. Use a 50/50 solution and douse the stain, then blot up, and keep repeating.

The bane of every pet-owner’s existence is urine-stained carpet. Carpet is difficult to clean completely, because underneath the carpet is a pad that stains soak into. The surface area of the carpet itself can be completely clean, but stains can hide in the pad and “lift up” over time.

To really get urine, pet or otherwise, out of your carpet, requires effort both immediately and over time. The best way to do this is to have a professional steam-clean the carpet with shampoo designed for urine. You can do this yourself with a Rug Doctor or other carpet cleaning machine if you like. For maximum effect, the carpet needs to be cleaned as soon as possible after the accident, and then re-cleaned several times to pull as much of the urine out of the carpet pad as possible. If the stain has set, this will be difficult, as carpet pads are very porous and will hold the smell and stain.

A word of advice: Most pet-urine cleaners are designed for dogs. Cat urine requires different cleaning measures, and we have heard very good things about using just vinegar and water for this type of stain.

Next month, we’ll wind up our stain treatments by examining fecal and vomit stains. We hope to see you join for the conclusion of this very exciting series!

A "cock-tease" Blood Elf

Irvine, CA –  In a first in the virtual “World of Warcraft”, Jim Harrison managed to alter the game in such a manner that his level 80 Tauren Druid, Mojorising, was able to have his way with a level 16 Blood Elf Mage.

Mr. Harrison, who in life would have more in common physically with a gnome or troll, chose to roll a Tauren because of their large stature.  ”I really wanted to be able to dominate anyone I wanted to physically”, Harrison said. Even though he choose a Druid, which typically implies harmony with nature and all creatures, he specifically choose a Feral specialization so he could stomp all over anyone he chose.

While Mr. Harrison refuses to divulge the specific details of the software modification itself, it seems he is in no way shy about regaling any and all who will listen to the details of the sexual encounter itself.

I’d been getting more and more turned on by all these cock-tease Blood Elves running around with their bare-midriff armor.  Have you ever seen what those chicks can do to a Mana Wyrm?  So when I logged in and saw this sweet piece of formerly immortal ass just dancing in the center of Thunderbluff, I knew it was my moment.

I threw down a War Stomp to stun her and grabbed her by her tiny wrists and dragged her to the inn. Once we were in an empty room it was on! We started off missionary but after a few moments I decided it was time for a little Tank ‘n Spank. I decided to shift form and we did it Dire Bear style.

Before I even realized what had happened, I’d totally blown my wad in my shorts. I wanted to do her some more, but my “Make Love Not Warcraft” macro has a 30 minute cooldown.

Blizzard officials have refused to comment on this story, except to say that they are still collecting evidence, and may pursue first degree statutory rape charges, since the victim was under level 18.

Noah Ringer, who played Aang says “I thought that with all the physical stunts expected to play an airbender, I’d be completely wiped out. Just the opposite! I was able to take naps between takes and sometimes even while the camera was rolling! I practically slept through the entire film and I think that came out in my performance.”

Shyamalan himself said he would frequently nap during actual filming since his overall vision was so perfect, he didn’t need to actually watch the actors perform certain scenes. “I was as excited to see the premiere as anyone,” he admitted, “ because there were several scenes I never actually saw performed.”

“When we worked on Slumdog Millionaire,” Dev Patel remembered, “Danny Boyle would be grilling us on our characters, talking to us about motivation for particular scenes and we even had that tiring dance number during the credits. As an actor, that can be quite a strain.”

“But even with all the complex stunts and bending maneuvers,” he continued, “I never felt even the slightest bit of stress on the set. Does Prince Zuko have any motivation? We never talked about it. M. Night said he wanted my face to be a blank slate so the audience could project their own motivations.”

Apparently, when Nicola Peltz, who played Katara, tried to emote during a particular scene, Shyamalan halted filming and gave her a twenty minute lecture on how to act without showing any hint of interest in the character. The director of such emotionless films as The Happening and Lady in the Water would chastise her by saying “stop looking at me when I’m talking to you! Stop listening to what I’m saying! Look at the wall! Think about that stain on the wall! Don’t think about your lines or your relationship to other characters! The stain on the wall is all that is important! Stop looking at me!”

“It was an emotional moment,” Peltz admitted, “but once I internalized it, I was really able to let go of any sort of emotional attachment to the character. I would remind myself that it was just a paycheck and there was no reason to get so worked up.”

Shyamalan looks forward to the sequel to The Last Airbender where, he says, he hopes to help his actors give even less of a crap about the movie than they did about this one.

“Actors work so hard,” he said, “when they come to work for me, I want them to feel like it is a relaxing vacation and I want that relaxation to show on screen.”

Parents sensed that something was amiss after the display of revenge on the field. “They should have been celebrating” said one father. “We knew there was something rotten in Denmark when our boys doused that…that bastard with cold, cold liquid instead of jumping for joy amongst themselves. I would never imagine doing that to a coach who led you to such an amazing and important victory unless, of course, he used sex and fear as a weapon against you.”

Graphic details of Barber’s inappropriate behavior have been released including his penchant for sticking his nose into the hind quarters of the players. A place that many agree his nose “simply doesn’t belong”. Many wondered why Barber coached little league, in the first place, since his area of athletic expertise lay in figure skating and not baseball. Presumably, Barber’s feelings of inadequacy boiled over after being confronted with the awesomeness of baseball, causing him to molest the gifted little league players.

But let me tell you right now that even if the studio had offered me a free night with Kristin Stewart, I would not have taken free tickets to Eclipse.  A guy has to have his standards.

While I can’t say for sure this is true, I have to say that Eclipse is one of the worst movies I haven’t seen this year.  Oh sure, I haven’t seen a lot of crappy films.  I didn’t get to Jonah Hex either, but I was almost tempted to see that one.  I don’t have any interest in Eclipse.

The plot of the film probably has something to do with some whiny teenaged girl being in love with a whiny vampire dude and a whiny werewolf dude and nobody is ever going to have sex with anyone.  Or maybe they will.  By the time it happens, I have a good feeling that I wouldn’t have given a shit.

Teenagers whine.  The best movies about teenagers poke fun at their incessant whining.  The Twilight films are in love with it.  The chick who is in love with the vampire or the werewolf or both (who the fuck cares) wants to become a vampire so she can be a whiny teenager forever.

Jesus.

That would be like spending eternity watching the same fucking episode of the MacNeil/Lehrer Report.

If you have a teenage girl with questionable taste, you are probably stuck going to this movie anyway.  You may discover that everything I’ve written about the plot is dead wrong.

But – and this is important – you will have seen the movie.  That means I win.