I’ve started dating a woman who I really connect with, except for this one thing. See, I’m kind of a vanilla guy when it comes to sex. She’s a dominatrix. Like, she beats other men and tells them what [...]]]> Dear Frigid Slut,

I’ve started dating a woman who I really connect with, except for this one thing. See, I’m kind of a vanilla guy when it comes to sex. She’s a dominatrix. Like, she beats other men and tells them what to do for their enjoyment. Getting hit by someone in the throes of passion might do it for some people, but I just find it distracting at best. Also, sometimes I’ll suggest a position, and then she starts yelling at me, telling me that she’ll tell me what I like. What can I do to get her to let me be in charge once in a while?

Signed,
Plain

Dear Plain,

She might be taking your suggestions as playtime banter. Before bed play begins next time, tell her what parts you do and don’t like. Not just physically, but emotionally. Any good dominatrix should know that the control ultimately lies with the submissive, and if you’re not having fun, she needs to know that. If she can tone it down a little, maybe you can open yourself up to being told when you get to touch her and how. Everyone likes a little vanilla swirl.

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Frigid Slut,

My girlfriend bit me! We were in the middle of doing it, and she bit me and it hurt. I screamed out in pain, but she just laughed at me and swat my butt. She’d never done anything like it before, and goddamnit, it HURT. The next time we had sex, she smacked me with a brush! I got a giant bruise mark! What do I do?

Signed,
Beat

Dear Beat,

I recommend ice.

If you would like to receive advice from Frigid Slut, please send your questions to frigidslut@vilificationtennis.com.

This weekend, The Avengers earned a shit ton of money as the geek community collectively jizzed in their pants for 2 hours and 22 minutes in theatres all across the country.  While the movie was very good, the reason it was [...]]]>

This weekend, The Avengers earned a shit ton of money as the geek community collectively jizzed in their pants for 2 hours and 22 minutes in theatres all across the country.  While the movie was very good, the reason it was a success had nothing to do with quality.

Instead, The Avengers did what filmmakers should have been doing for years.  It found a way to appeal to multiple factions of the nerd community.  By picking Joss Whedon to helm the film, they managed to get nerds who don’t give a shit about comic books but worship Whedon into the same theatre as jocks who just wanted to know how much of Scarlett Johansson’s boobs they would get to see (not much).

Throwing in Samuel L. Jackson was a stroke of genius because it gets all the Tarantino nerds into the theatre even though (spoiler alert) he doesn’t say “mother fucker” once.

Whedon acolytes will be upset to learn there is not nearly as much hot girl on girl action as they have come to expect from his properties (perhaps he is saving the much anticipated Black Widow/Scarlet Witch relationship for the sequel).  Still, he manages to pack all sorts of angsty character moments into an otherwise slam bang action film so we can all remember that these may be Super-Heroes but they are also people.  Except for Thor.  He’s an Asgardian. But he still has feelings.

Whedon fans eat that shit up.

Comic book fans, who couldn’t give a shit about character feelings will enjoy fan service moments like the S.H.I.E.L.D Helicarrier and other nerdy shit I didn’t feel like looking up.  There were a lot of moments in the film where the comic nerds would cheer about something I didn’t understand and I could only assume I was missing some obscure reference to a storyline from “Avengers #42.”

As the motion picture industry begins to understand the buying power of nerds, they are clearly seeking to find ways to get all of them interested in the same things.  ”Star Trek” nerds are not automatically going to buy tickets for Iron Man 3 without some additional motivation.  Whether that motivation comes in the form of an Executive Producer credit for J.J. Abrams or a cameo by William Shatner, you can be sure that the industry will find a way to cross the nerd streams (that metaphor was just for you, Ghostbuster nerds.)

The Avengers is clearly the beginning of that wider initiative.   Note how Peter Jackson is courting the “Sherlock” nerd base by casting Martin Freeman in his Hobbit films.

The strategy can backfire, however.  There is not a lot of hope for Battleship, which seems to be aiming to attract “Transformers” nerds as well as nerds who have an unhealthy fixation with lame games they played when they were eight.  Demographically speaking, the former used to beat up the latter in grade school so it is questionable if the two groups would be willing to share a theatre for two hours.

Overall, though, the plan seems to be working.  Looking ahead, we can expect to see more powerhouse nerd crossovers like James Cameron’s Twilightanic and George Lucas’ My Little Star Wars: May the Magical Friendship be With You.

It truly is a great time to be a nerd.

 I promise that I won’t write any spoilers about Cabin in the Woods as a part of this review.  I’m not going to tell you about a single thing that happens in the movie.  In fact, I’m going to spend the [...]]]>  

 I promise that I won’t write any spoilers about Cabin in the Woods as a part of this review.  I’m not going to tell you about a single thing that happens in the movie.  In fact, I’m going to spend the entire review exploring all the reasons the film had what one might define as a “lukewarm” box office record.

Reason number one:  There was not a single giant robot in the entire film.

I know what you’re thinking – why would there be a giant robot in a movie about a cabin that is located in the woods?  Well it is exactly that kind of shortsighted thinking that got the filmmakers where they are today.

If you look closely at the basement you will see….wait.  I promised that I wouldn’t write any spoilers.

Let me just say that at a certain moment in the film that I’m not going to talk about there are all sorts of monst…um….stuffed animals…and those “stuffed animals” refer to just about every geek trope except Giant freaking robots.

I assume that Joss Whedon is saving all of his giant robots for The Avengers and while I look forward to the awesomeness of Iron Man duking it out with a massive metal adversary, I have to think there was room for at least a garage sized robot in Cabin in the Woods.  Yes, I think there was room for that.

I spoil nothing when I say that a giant robot would not have seemed even a little bit out of place in Cabin in the Woods.  In fact, all they would have had to do is show one of them when the stoner and the “virgin” are in the the….place that I shouldn’t talk about.

Filmmakers today just don’t understand audiences any longer.  If they did, they would make more romantic comedies with vampires.  They would make horror movies about stuff that really scares us.  Like Newt Gingrich.

I think you mean Jesus Gingrich!

You know what else scares us?

Giant fucking robots.

Reason Number Two:  Actually, there is no reason number two.  If the film had Giant Robots, it would have killed.