“It’s true,” Douglas confessed to a friend during a late night drinking session.  “Those numbers are just so… so… you know what I mean.  They just… flow across the page.  I mean, I know some of those figures are artificially inflated due to market bubbles, but every time I see the S&P 500 rates, I just get aroused.”

This announcement comes as no surprise to Douglas’ co-workers.  “More than once I have opened his office door to find him quickly slip something into his desk, but not before I saw a glimpse of this week’s silver prices,” said analyst Brian Templeton.  “I mean, what guy doesn’t get a little excited about the Commodities Market, but, c’mon, you’re at work!”

Douglas remains unapologetic, though.  “This does not mean that I love my own company’s consumer pricing any less,” he declared.  “Things are really great for us between the spreadsheets.  But, a man has needs, y’know.  Just because I sometimes like to fantasize about owning shares in other people’s mutual funds doesn’t mean I’m a bad man.”

The Wall Street Journal could not be reached for comment.

At a press conference held at the NHL Headquarters in New York, Bettman officially launched the “What Would Gretzky Do”, or WWGD Campaign.  “We at the NHL hope that by raising public awareness of hockey, eventually we can reach the point where people actually watch a game,” stated Bettman.

The announcement kicked off a multi-million dollar campaign which includes TV commercials featuring prominent hockey figures, WWGD bracelets which are shaped like a string of missing teeth, and billboards telling people who Wayne Gretzky is.

Long consigned to the “ref” or team manager positions in any athletic endeavor, the walking dead surprised everyone this year by securing the prestigious Presidential Physical Fitness Award.

The groundbreaking event, if you’ll pardon the pun, took place in a small town outside of Pittsburg last Friday afternoon. The government was hesistant to confirm or deny the award, “We are advising residents to stay in their homes, and if a relative appears to have been infected, immediately call your nearest National Guard station,” said spokesperson General John Rockman.

The dead were difficult to reach for comment, but this reporter was able to secure this brief comment from a passing ghoul, “Brains . . .”

Brains, indeed.

“My plight is against the same type of discrimination that the Women’s Sufferage Movement was against, the Civil Rights Movement was against and the Gay Rights Movement is against. I am the Rosa Parks of the pedophile community,” proclaimed a teary-eyed James Bartel who insisted on being called “Gummy” for the rest of the interview.

When asked exactly how one of the most abhorred segments of our population could possible claim to be struggling for equal rights, one could see the fire behind Gummy’s eyes as he spat back, “It is exactly those stereotypes that are part of the problem! I should not be considered an outcast or a freak, or deviant because of who I am! I AM NOT A CLOWN!”

This reporter carefully pointed out to Gummy all the evidence to the contrary, which seemed to hit a sore spot, “That’s just it! This is simply a uniform. This is a uniform to allow me to perform my work to the best of my abilities. I don’t know how to make balloon animals, I don’t know how to juggle, and I certainly don’t know how to ride a unicycle! Look, when you go to a McDonald’s for lunch you don’t assume everyone behind the counter LOVES polo shirts and dockers, right? No, of course not, they are there to serve food, and they wear the required uniform to fulfill that duty, I am simply doing the same for my chosen field.”

While support has been slow in coming, there is talk of local hands-y magician Paul “Hidden Thumbs” Petrolli throwing the full weight of his support behind Gummy. When reached for comment H.T. had this to say, “Perhaps united, we can make intolerance disappear.”

“You know,” said Granville, “We were all sitting around, lamenting how the country seems to be going down the drain and all. Suddenly, it struck me, none of my children or grandchildren have had polio, while it was not uncommon among children in my youth. In fact, the two generations of my family have had less diseases and better education in general than I did. I started asking around the bar and everyone else had the same experience.”

While this may seem like a breakthrough in intergenerational relations, not all octogenarians are as convinced as Granville that things are actually pretty ok. “Sounds like some hippy B.S. if you ask me,” said regular V.F.W. attendee Clem Fairbanks, “I don’t remember any of my grandkids fighting in Korea.”

Efforts to convince Clem that his grandchildren had not actually been born until after the Korean war was over fell on deaf ears.

Suspicions of misconduct had been ignored since 1963, but 1997′s Oops! All Berries incident proved more than even the U.S. government could sweep under the rug. Annette Fuchs, a housewife from Santa Barbara who had long included Captain Crunch as part of the balanced breakfast she prepared for her two children had this to say:

“I mean honestly, who didn’t think we would notice the fact that the entire box of cereal was full of just the berries? It even mentioned the mistake on the box!”

Despite drawing broad support from children around the world the Navy Board of Inquiry decided that returning the Captain to a more traditional spelling of his title would best set the tone the U.S. Navy expects amongst their envoys to the breakfast community.

Captain Crunch was unavailable for comment.

Photo by Peter Parker

NEW YORK, NY – True believers across the nation were surprised and horrified after witnessing their friendly neighborhood Spider-Man foil a bank robbery, spin a web of justice, then lay close to one hundred eggs inside the chest cavity of the would be robber, Chris Wayne.

“Oh, JESUS CHRIST! Why are you all just watching? AAAIIIIEEEEE!” exclaimed Wayne as the wall crawler oozed out egg after egg in front of a horrified crowd of jaded New Yorkers. “Please just fucking KILL ME!” he screamed to the onlookers as the slightly translucent eggs that revealed the bizarre spider/human pupae entered his body.

Reed Richards visited the Elizabeth St. precinct to examine the pulsating chest of Wayne. “They should hatch in two to four weeks,” Richards explained and then used his elastic frame to mimic the theoretical metamorphosis taking place inside Wayne’s body.

Reporter Benn Urich managed to ask Spider-Man about his actions to which he quipped “No time for love, Dr. Jones, I have a date with Doc Ock and I get the feeling he forgot the wine again!”

Both Rice Chex and Honeycomb have complained of strange noises during the night while the oblivious Clarks slumber. Honeycomb was quoted as saying “Do you know how hard it is to sleep listening to some Peter Lorre imitator endlessly moan and wail about nutrition and free shit for box tops?” Rice Chex also weighed in by saying “We get it, you’re not done being a box of cereal. Even if it’s harmless, it’s still spooky to see an empty box float out of the cupboard and try to pour itself into a bowl. Throw the thing out already Mrs. Clark!”

Local legend states that Boo Berry’s supernatural stubbornness stems from his love for Fruit Brute, the gay werewolf cereal mascot who was killed in 1983 by a lavender bullet. The grim and nutritious specter of oaty goodness can only be freed by a special vigil involving milk, a grapefruit, two strips of bacon, and a glass of orange juice.

“I should most definitely be on the list!” Cocozzello yelled to St. Peter. “C,mon, my girlfriend’s in there!” “A lot of people’s girlfriends are in there.” St. Peter retorted as he lifted the rope again, this time for recently deceased actor/drug czar Dennis Hopper who paused to ask Cocozzello “Like, what’s your problem, man?”

Despite pointing his name out on St. Peter’s list, Cocozzello was forcibly ejected from the premises and was forced to spend eternity at a local dive bar infamous for its chili fries and Galaga machine with a broken joystick.

Pissed Off Editor

St. Paul, MN – A local website editor has come to the conclusion that his “World News” writing staff, made up of members of a local comedy show, sit around all day with their thumbs up their asses.

“Seriously.  I’ve got four of these guys who are supposed to contribute articles for the site, and I want to post one new World News article each week, so that means each writer only needs to average one article every four weeks,” said the editor.  “And we’re talking an average of two to four short paragraphs, it’s not like I’m asking for War & Peace or a fucking Stephen King novel here.  Is that really too much to ask from someone who is supposed to be creative?”

The editor preferred to remain anonymous, but his name rhymes with “Derek Wright.”

He went on to say, “Besides, the last two articles were submitted by the goddamn webmaster, and he’s not technically a member of the World News staff, he was just doing it for the hell of it!  I’m just about fed up with this shit.  I swear, if they didn’t give such good blow jobs I’d fire them all.”