The Tea Party thought it had succeeded against all odds when it bucked the Alice in Wonderland “Tea Party” comparison. However they are in an uproar this week as someone accidentally showed them why everyone else is greatly amused when they call themselves “Tea Baggers.”
Allison Homreker went into her seven-year-old son’s room to tell him that dinner was ready, and he was playing the Xbox 360 video game, Halo: Reach. “When I saw the title I knew it was the right game series with which to babysit my Joseph with its fundamental Christian values!” Continue reading Tea Party Discovers Meaning of “Tea Bagging”
In a rather refreshing deviation from the trend of the incredibly rich having zero creativity, Australian billionaire Clive Palmer plans to build a functioning replica of the original Titanic, to be seaworthy in 2016. The mining mogul hopes to accomplish two things by this project. First, to answer the question of “why am I the first guy that thought of this”, and second so the ship can spearhead a new pro-global warming initiative to finally exact its revenge on every remaining iceberg on earth. Continue reading Titanic II to be Built by Australian Billionaire; Vows to Destroy Iceberg that Killed its Father
A new Guttnuts Institute study has found that professional sports fans are the least fit people on the planet. They researched across (in descending order of tubbyness) football, hockey, baseball, basketball and soccer. They appear to be oblivious; as nearly every pro-fan studied remarked at what prime athletes their players were, they proceeded to stuff their faces with snack food and cheap beer.
The exact opposite was found to be true of non-professional spectator sports. Rollerderby had the fittest fans of all sports, while kickball, ultimate frisbee, 5k’s and Vilification Tennis all had much more trim fans than the professionals. Continue reading Those Who Can, Do. Those Who Can’t, Are Fat.
Famed Correspondent Marie Colvin. Second eye not shown.
When famed monocular war correspondent Marie Colvin died in Syria on February 22nd, her onetime News Corp. employer Rupert Murdoch was among the first to express his regrets. “I respected her very much and only hacked her cell phone on her birthday or if we had a REALLY SOLID rumor that she was seeing someone.”
We’re back with another episode even sooner than we promised. I’ve heard Tim has a problem with coming earlier than expected. Anyway, this episode features our illustrious host Tim Wick, Vilifiers Matt Allex and Chrys Vanderkamp, and Chrys’s amateur for this month’s show Amanda Hofman-Frethem. Despite recording on 4/20, the gang decides to forgo the pot jokes and head straight into referencing Hitler’s birthday. We cover Fucked Up News, talk to Amanda about her amateur experience (that sounds hot, admit it), and discuss our favorite VilTen show themes and our ideas for future shows.
Now that loose, slutty women are being protected from the evils of contraception and abortion, the Republican Party has focused on another issue that plagues American society: tampons.
“It is outrageous that women are shoving these up their… you know…[indecipherable hand gesture]… and no one is doing anything about it! A woman next to you may have one… IN her… and you won’t know it! They could be swimming or riding horses! That’s disgusting!” says Steve Wankman, GOP Presidential Campaign Director, “I have a right to know when women are being slutty. IF they are going to have things shoved up them and walking around, they should let everyone know!”
Some men are upset that Period Wear disguises when women are on their “moon time.” Men like Archbishop Ronald Douchee, who think that women should be kept away from men- and the public eye- when they are menstruating. He suggested that keeping women at home at all times was the safer alternative. Also if they are kept perpetually pregnant, then they’d usually not be getting their menstruation on around men.
In the course of their mad dash to get rid of the cotton phalli, the Republicans discovered that there are even MORE devices out there which women stuff up their Trans-Vaginal-Ultrasound Lanes. Things like the Diva Cup, which none of them had even heard of. The Diva Cup is literally a cup that women place in their vaginas which collect The Flood and then they pour it out several times a day.
“Clearly, the Diva Cup is used to collect the blood and use it in Satanic rituals. There is a clear need to ban this,” said Noelle Bachman, who is running for Senate in Minnesota. “The things that are done with these unmentionables are unmentionable!”
The language of captioned cats and illustrated fails is now being taught at colleges around the United States. The general population needs to be brought up to speed as it takes over the English lexicon. It is popular for people who don’t currently understand the “Internet-speak” and want to be able to communicate with those who do.
With ticket sales slumping in the wake of Netflix, gas prices, and not having dates, many theaters felt that moviegoers needed something a little more convincing to coax them away from the confines of their homes and into their theaters. As per the guidelines of a new pilot program, no concessions are being sold during the initial screenings of “The Hunger Games” to force audience members to relate to the struggles of the onscreen characters and take immersion to the next level. “It was pretty intense” stated Nick Glover, local douchebag. “That was the longest I’ve ever gone without eating, and feeling hungry really helped me relate to the main characters. It was totally worth having to pay for extra tickets for taking up seven seats!” Another audience member expressed his disturbing enthusiasm at the concept of re-releasing “Striptease” with this format of hands-on immersion. Continue reading Theaters Opt For More Immersive Movie Experience, Refuse To Serve Concessions For “Hunger Games” Release
Minneapolis – AP – In an article in ‘The Lancet,’ neuroscientists at the Institute for Ridiculous Science revealed the results of a study linking punning ability to a phenomenon they term “excess intelligence.”
According to these scientists, some minds are wired to over-think almost every concept, leading to associative connections which in normal minds are never made.
“These neural pathways are established in childhood,” said Dr. Ima Dudeihed, “which is why most of these puns are so juvenile.”
Dr. Dudeihed explained some common types of puns uncovered in the study.
“There is no relationship between high marks in school and olfactory insult. Yet those who, like myself, tended to get ‘A’s in school – indeed, A+’s truth be told – we continue to be referred to as ‘fart smellers’ instead of ‘smart fellows.’ This verbal tomfoolery has got to stop.”
Rochester, MN – Local Twin Cities funnyman Joseph Scrimshaw was admitted to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester suffering from what doctors describe as “early onset Gaiman Syndrome.”
Named for the British-turned-Minnesotan gothic fantasy phenom Neil Gaiman, “Gaiman Syndrome” can afflict Minnesotans who achieve notoriety beyond the boundaries of the Twin City Metro Area. Symptoms include wealth, success, and in severe cases, groupies.
“We were glad to catch this in an early stage,” said one doctor speaking on condition of anonymity, “He still has household bills, and local performances, and his life story has not yet been optioned for film.”
The Tea Party thought it had succeeded against all odds when it bucked the Alice in Wonderland “Tea Party” comparison. However they are in an uproar this week as someone accidentally showed them why everyone else is greatly amused when they call themselves “Tea Baggers.”
