ARIES March 21 – April 19

I double dog dare you to believe this one. Turns out, you’re part Martian. No shit. Seriously!

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

Taking up bass guitar may seem like a good way to impress the chicks but they’re just working their way up to the drummer. It’s womandom’s best kept secret.

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

As the Mayans’ prediction of the end of the world draws near, make sure you have your things in order. Nothing will haunt you more than unfinished business when 2012 comes knocking at your door. Call your estranged father, enjoy some time with your own daughter, call back that producer and do that porno flick.

CANCER June 21 – July 22

For god’s sake, change your underwear.

LEO July 23 – August 22

Getting what you want isn’t really what you want. If you got what you wanted, it would turn into something you don’t want. What I mean is…fuck it. It’s complicated.

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

Giving to others is often a good thing and, sometimes it isn’t. Take your syphilis, for example.

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

Hiding in the basement from the deranged lunatic upstairs may seem like a good idea but…have you tried opening a line of dialogue with him?

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

You’re a funky skull and a Scorpio and, when you got the flow, you’re doctor on the go.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

Slipknot is playing soon at a local venue. Better hurry up and finish that pipe bomb.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

Who has time for this? Does your boss know that you’re reading horoscopes? Get back to work, goldbrick.

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

Last night echos in your mind as thoughts of ecstasy overwhelm your senses. His hands, both gentle and strong, left aftershocks of joy all over your body. Your legs quiver at the thought of his fit and not too muscular frame becoming one with your own. You are consumed by memories of his handsome face and oh my god, you are groping yourself on the bus. Snap out of it!

PISCES February 19 – March 20

Crush. Kill. Destroy.

ARIES March 21 – April 19

Take a deep breath. Thaaaat’s it. Relax and inhale…exhale. Feel the calmness. Feel the relaxation. Take slow, deep breaths. Good. The sarin should be working by now.

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you. By now you should’ve, somehow, realized what you gotta do.

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

Think smarter, not harder. A decade’s worth of slight of hand parlor tricks will yield the same amount of blow jobs as one month of owning a luxury sports car. Cocaine optional.

CANCER June 21 – July 22

Take life by the hand and walk with it down a warm, sunny beach. Treat life to a bottle of expensive wine and dinner at an upscale restaurant. After a prolonged engagement, marry life in Cabo. Have two kids with life and watch them grow into oddly unique versions of yourself. Listen to the police officer when she says not to go near the horrific car wreck that life was in. That’s not the memory you want to have.

LEO July 23 – August 22

O=E and L=O Cogoghoc rl scavu klmc lnzxravo.

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

Once again, your complete lack of control will make a mess all over your wife’s tits.

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

Chin up! Your neighbor’s transformation from scumbag gambling degenerate to ultra annoying six in the morning door knocking Jehovah’s Witness is probably a good thing. Let him save your soul!

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

You’re wondering whether that tapeworm counts as something you should mention before an intimate encounter but you’re overlooking the most important question. Why haven’t you gotten that thing removed, yet?

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

The streets will run red with the blood of your enemies. Their women will weep as you crush all those who oppose you under your heel. Their children will fear you more than weekends at Uncle Joe’s. You will ignore all cries for mercy as you decimate all opposition to your plan. No one has ever amassed such an impressive amount of power in any previous fantasy baseball league.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

The time has come to finally tell your mother that you were adopted.

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

Life is filled with obstacles and hardships. Nothing clears them up more quickly than a good old fashioned drug habit.

PISCES February 19 – March 20

It probably wasn’t a good idea to make your own fertilizer out of the contents of the catbox.

We at Vilification Tennis would like to take a moment to thank everyone who donated prizes for our annual Game Show show. This year’s show, Vilification Squares, had a lot of suckers donate shit.

We would particularly like to recognize the following companies for giving us crap:

Sex Is Fun

SexIsFun.net, a different kind of sex education, produces a complete line of resources for adults. Sex is Fun, a world known podcast of the same name, is dedicated to the rational discussion of human sexuality from the approach of fun enjoyment and pleasure. Hosts Kidder Kaper, Laura Rad, Gay Rick and Coochie push the boundaries of everyday thinking with irreverent conversation, and interviews with the most influential sex educators, authors, and activists. SexIsFun.net’s online magazine covers everything from sex toys to relationships to health. For those looking for a tangible product, SexIsFun.net also publishes a complete line of adult party games, and a fully illustrated, scenario-based guide for couples forthcoming in June.

Fantasy Flight Games

Fantasy Flight Games is a gaming company in Minnesota that makes all sorts of neat shit, including Twilight Imperium, Descent, and Laurie’s personal favorite, Battlestar Galactica.  Seriously, she cannot get enough of that shit, despite the fact that she is hardly ever a Cylon.  They were kind enough to donate several games which lucky audience members received as prizes.  We like FFG lots and lots, and appreciate their generosity.

ARIES March 21 – April 19

You will meet a handsome gentleman during the work day. Your eyes will momentarily lock as you blush and struggle to catch your breath. You will spend the rest of the day thinking about this stunning person. He will then rape you in the parking lot.

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

Now might be a good time to rip up that lottery ticket. Did you really think your luck was going to change or that your kids would love you again?

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

Dave Mathews tickets, huh? Guess somebody forgot to ask the wizard for a brain.

CANCER June 21 – July 22

Your doctor has your lab results and…well, this is ironic…

LEO July 23 – August 22

Hey, good lookin’! Remember to flash that winning smile on what’s sure to be another great day. Oh, and that lady in the business casual attire always walks to her car alone. Just sayin’.

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

Your complete run of Savage Dragon is actually missing the version of #13 drawn by Jim Lee. Get that shit fixed, bro.

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

That dude with the comic books is gonna call you again. Remember that geeks are sensitive and a little touched in the head but they usually have great big cocks.

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

As the most evil sign of the Zodiac, the others fear you. Use this to your advantage in business situations, sports, and especially your home life.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

Things aren’t lookin’ too good and neither are you. Bet you wish you would’ve worked on that whole “personality” thing in college instead of hanging up that Bob Marley poster.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

Your birthday is on Christmas but you always get one set of presents. Treat yourself to the present of a handgun and teach those rotten motherfuckers a lesson.

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

The praises of your wonderful sign are beautifully orchestrated on numerous moog recordings! However, when was the last time anyone bought a record to listen to some groovy moog? Wendy Carlos says hi.

PISCES February 19 – March 20

Ask your mother…