After a prolonged engagement, your husband-to-be will be flattened by a Greyhound bus days before the wedding. It’s okay, he was going to be impotent within five years, anyway.

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

No one appreciates a good fisting more than you. Try to remember, though, that many people don’t appreciate it, at all. Once you let this all sink in, you’ll understand why you’re in that jail cell.

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

Today is a great day for skydiving! Trust me!

CANCER June 21 – July 22

Your illegitimate son is still unaware of your existence. Your nomadic lifestyle doesn’t seem like so much of a hassle now, does it?

LEO July 23 – August 22

You truly capture the spirit of your sign in the Zodiac! Actually, you’re more like the Detroit Lions. Sorry.

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

Sure, you may say ridiculously stupid things but you mean to say ridiculously intelligent things. Try to take comfort in that, Charly.

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

It’s a beautiful day! Take some time off and head down to the beach. Try not to worry about whether sand crabs can effectively breed with your crabs.

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

This one is for Mike D: Is it safe to call you “Spinach D” yet?

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

I’m sorry. I don’t have time to do your horoscope, Ghostbusters II is on television, right now.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

I’m getting real sick of saying this but there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that Doomsday would win in a fight with The Incredible Hulk. Do you know how fucking stupid you sound when you say that? Why does everyone who started reading comix in the early nineties think that they’re some sort of high falootin’ authority on theoretical brawls? Don’t dip in the kool-aid if you don’t know what the flava is!

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

You agree with me, don’t you?

PISCES February 19 – March 20

Stay golden, Pony Boy.

No means no but silence implies consent. Chloroform.

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

You will die of a heart attack today unless your name is “Xanadu”. If your name is “Xanadu”, your dick will fall off. Who’s the lucky one?

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

This will be a good week to give spare change to the beggars in your neighborhood. Hint: One of them has a knife and a fear of rejection.

CANCER June 21 – July 22

The universe will provide answers to many of the questions you have been pondering such as “How much does kerosene cost?”, “How far is it to the old family cabin?”, and “Exactly how many kittens will fit into this Army surplus duffel bag?”.

LEO July 23 – August 22

Progress at your place of business will come much faster if you cease to refer to good things as being “tits”.

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

Eat that oatmeal, motherfucker!

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

Getting a Marine Corps tattoo is meaningless unless you were actually in the Marine Corps. Real Marines will find out and be displeased with you. By displeased, I mean trained killers will pound the shit out of you in a bar fight, Private Pyle.

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

An astonishing amount of work has gone into you being who you are. From your conception, feeding and schooling you, to years spent learning a useful trade. All of the people who have touched your life for better or worse. You have become THE most respected of all parking enforcement officers. Truly, yours is the saddest horoscope of all.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

Who wears short shorts? YOU wear short shorts. Knock it off. You’re a dude. That’s disgusting.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

Get as mad as you want at your pregnant fourteen year old daughter, it’s still your fault for being a lousy father. If you could have kept that marriage together, that other man would never have moved into your house. If you thought you hated watching Woody Allen movies before…

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

The secret to aging gracefully, unfortunately, lies with dying young. You think seat belts are uncomfortable, anyway.

PISCES February 19 – March 20

Fortune smiles upon you, today! More to the point, it fails to shine upon your rival who will be flattened by a comically sized triangular 16 ton weight. Take comfort from knowing that your crow’s feet came naturally while hers came from actual crows walking on and picking the flesh from her pancaked corpse.

A simple task becomes nearly impossible thanks to your ineptitude. You’re stupid.

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

Just like closeted gay politicians who rally behind anti-gay legislation, rallying against rape jokes probably means you are a rapist.

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

Remember that Bone Thugz ‘N’ Harmony video that came out after Eazy-E died and he was on the track and they made it into a tribute to him? That shit was cool.

CANCER June 21 – July 22

Triple your productivity today with some crystal meth!

LEO July 23 – August 22

I’m afraid that chemical castration is going to be the only way to get it into your head that virgins aren’t any good in bed, no matter how small their twats are.

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

You fucking rule, dude! You are seriously bad ass! Seriously! Lemme suck your dick!

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

According to my new issue of Popular Science, Gary Ruvkun is working on a microfluidics chip to find microscopic life on Mars. This means a sexual experience with something small enough to snuggle your tiny cock that’s guaranteed to be out of this world!

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

While I understand your need for a good night’s sleep, simply walking down to the apartment under yours and telling the man who answers the door in a bloody a-shirt and bruised knuckles to “keep that woman quiet” does not speak well to your powers of perception.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

No, there is not an actual “Boone’s Farm”.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

Quick! Change the channel! Criminal Minds is on! Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah, HOTCHNER!

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

Have fun postulating with your friends all you’d like, the first person to successfully astral project will be a pervert.

PISCES February 19 – March 20

Using words like “groovy” and “tubular” will make you seem like neither.

It’s probably not a good idea to purchase all of your lime and cement mix from the same store. It might even behoove you to start using a remote location in the woods.

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

Your new haircut is super ugly. Go ask your boyfriend how it looks and then deprive him of sex for a week.

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

Do you see where there is only one set of footprints in the ground? It is then that I carried you into my van.

CANCER June 21 – July 22

Cancer Cancer bo bancer, banana fanna fo fancer, me my mo mancer…Cancer!

LEO July 23 – August 22

It is my distinct displeasure to inform you that you are the only person in the world aroused by the aroma of Axe Body Spray.

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

@*#$! Hangnail!

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

Explaining anything to your husband about why you’re leaving him would be difficult. Don’t worry, though. He’ll get over it while screwing younger, more attractive women while you chew on your own hubris.

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

You’re really more of a boy than a man. Which doesn’t mean you won’t be tried as an adult, pervert.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

Klaatu barada nikto!

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

Trim that shit, bitch! This ain’t 1976 and “Bush” ain’t president no more!

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

Is life but a dream? Are we merely experiencing the waking world through eyes that can not comprehend what we are not seeing? Does a separate world exist, parallel to our own, in which our souls exceed the limits of our mortal shells while we subconciously collect ethereal detrius that our minds interperet as experience and memory? I do not know the answers to these questions but I am totally calling Corey for some more of this bomb indica!

PISCES February 19 – March 20

Ironically, smooth jazz does not go down easy.

Be very careful when cutting and pasting. A real taxidermist will be able to tell that hand came from another little girl.

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

Meditation will reveal many secrets previously unknown to you, as will your sister’s diary.

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

Don’t you get tired of looking at yourself in the mirror, you fat fucking slag? The reason those Hydrox cookies taste so good is because, just like when someone goes blind, their other senses get heightened, just as your complete lack of respect for yourself and having no one to love makes sugary lard taste better.

CANCER June 21 – July 22

Your horoscope is calling from INSIDE THE HOUSE!

LEO July 23 – August 22

Today is a special day so go ahead and spoil yourself. Pick that lock on your shackles and tell your father you’re not a kid anymore!

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

Don’t get too excited there, cowboy. Remember that happiness is fleeting while a messy suicide is forever.

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

The outside world looks dangerous, today. Best to order all goods and services via the internet and to install a doggy door for these goods, eliminating all human contact. There! Now, you’re a real American!

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

The hills are alive with the sound of music. Unfortunately, your neighbor’s stereo is alive with the sound of Nickelback. If you can call that living…

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

You will be a big hit at the next party you attend! Wit and charm will flow naturally from your eloquent lips until you talk to the prettiest gal there and refer to yourself as a “Vagittarius”.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

Dude! Aw, man, dude. Like, dude! Gnar…

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

Sadly, getting pregnant to trap your boyfriend into marriage IS the best idea you’ve ever had, stupid.

PISCES February 19 – March 20

Paul is dead.

I double dog dare you to believe this one. Turns out, you’re part Martian. No shit. Seriously!

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

Taking up bass guitar may seem like a good way to impress the chicks but they’re just working their way up to the drummer. It’s womandom’s best kept secret.

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

As the Mayans’ prediction of the end of the world draws near, make sure you have your things in order. Nothing will haunt you more than unfinished business when 2012 comes knocking at your door. Call your estranged father, enjoy some time with your own daughter, call back that producer and do that porno flick.

CANCER June 21 – July 22

For god’s sake, change your underwear.

LEO July 23 – August 22

Getting what you want isn’t really what you want. If you got what you wanted, it would turn into something you don’t want. What I mean is…fuck it. It’s complicated.

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

Giving to others is often a good thing and, sometimes it isn’t. Take your syphilis, for example.

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

Hiding in the basement from the deranged lunatic upstairs may seem like a good idea but…have you tried opening a line of dialogue with him?

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

You’re a funky skull and a Scorpio and, when you got the flow, you’re doctor on the go.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

Slipknot is playing soon at a local venue. Better hurry up and finish that pipe bomb.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

Who has time for this? Does your boss know that you’re reading horoscopes? Get back to work, goldbrick.

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

Last night echos in your mind as thoughts of ecstasy overwhelm your senses. His hands, both gentle and strong, left aftershocks of joy all over your body. Your legs quiver at the thought of his fit and not too muscular frame becoming one with your own. You are consumed by memories of his handsome face and oh my god, you are groping yourself on the bus. Snap out of it!

PISCES February 19 – March 20

Crush. Kill. Destroy.

Take a deep breath. Thaaaat’s it. Relax and inhale…exhale. Feel the calmness. Feel the relaxation. Take slow, deep breaths. Good. The sarin should be working by now.

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you. By now you should’ve, somehow, realized what you gotta do.

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

Think smarter, not harder. A decade’s worth of slight of hand parlor tricks will yield the same amount of blow jobs as one month of owning a luxury sports car. Cocaine optional.

CANCER June 21 – July 22

Take life by the hand and walk with it down a warm, sunny beach. Treat life to a bottle of expensive wine and dinner at an upscale restaurant. After a prolonged engagement, marry life in Cabo. Have two kids with life and watch them grow into oddly unique versions of yourself. Listen to the police officer when she says not to go near the horrific car wreck that life was in. That’s not the memory you want to have.

LEO July 23 – August 22

O=E and L=O Cogoghoc rl scavu klmc lnzxravo.

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

Once again, your complete lack of control will make a mess all over your wife’s tits.

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

Chin up! Your neighbor’s transformation from scumbag gambling degenerate to ultra annoying six in the morning door knocking Jehovah’s Witness is probably a good thing. Let him save your soul!

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

You’re wondering whether that tapeworm counts as something you should mention before an intimate encounter but you’re overlooking the most important question. Why haven’t you gotten that thing removed, yet?

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

The streets will run red with the blood of your enemies. Their women will weep as you crush all those who oppose you under your heel. Their children will fear you more than weekends at Uncle Joe’s. You will ignore all cries for mercy as you decimate all opposition to your plan. No one has ever amassed such an impressive amount of power in any previous fantasy baseball league.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

The time has come to finally tell your mother that you were adopted.

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

Life is filled with obstacles and hardships. Nothing clears them up more quickly than a good old fashioned drug habit.

PISCES February 19 – March 20

It probably wasn’t a good idea to make your own fertilizer out of the contents of the catbox.