ARIES March 21 – April 19
After a prolonged engagement, your husband-to-be will be flattened by a Greyhound bus days before the wedding. It’s okay, he was going to be impotent within five years, anyway. Continue reading Boroscope
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ARIES March 21 – April 19 No means no but silence implies consent. Chloroform. Continue reading Horrorscope ARIES March 21 – April 19 A simple task becomes nearly impossible thanks to your ineptitude. You’re stupid. TAURUS April 20 -May 20 Just like closeted gay politicians who rally behind anti-gay legislation, rallying against rape jokes probably means you are a rapist. GEMINI May 21 – June 20 Remember that Bone Thugz ‘N’ Harmony video that came out after Eazy-E died and he was on the track and they made it into a tribute to him? That shit was cool. CANCER June 21 – July 22 Triple your productivity today with some crystal meth! LEO July 23 – August 22 I’m afraid that chemical castration is going to be the only way to get it into your head that virgins aren’t any good in bed, no matter how small their twats are. VIRGO August 23 – September 22 You fucking rule, dude! You are seriously bad ass! Seriously! Lemme suck your dick! LIBRA September 23 – October 22 According to my new issue of Popular Science, Gary Ruvkun is working on a microfluidics chip to find microscopic life on Mars. This means a sexual experience with something small enough to snuggle your tiny cock that’s guaranteed to be out of this world! SCORPIO October 23 – November 21 While I understand your need for a good night’s sleep, simply walking down to the apartment under yours and telling the man who answers the door in a bloody a-shirt and bruised knuckles to “keep that woman quiet” does not speak well to your powers of perception. SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21 No, there is not an actual “Boone’s Farm”. CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19 Quick! Change the channel! Criminal Minds is on! Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah, HOTCHNER! AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18 Have fun postulating with your friends all you’d like, the first person to successfully astral project will be a pervert. PISCES February 19 – March 20 Using words like “groovy” and “tubular” will make you seem like neither. ARIES March 21 – April 19 You may not look like James Dean but at least you know how to drive a car. TAURUS April 20 -May 20 Despite his promise, your date tonight will not tell you when he’s going to come. However, I have him clocked at 07:39. Good luck! GEMINI May 21 – June 20 Drink all the Gatorade you want, you’re no athlete, tubby. Although you might have a strong pitching arm from throwing all that food into your face… CANCER June 21 – July 22 Dude! I just heard from Debbie who said that Roni told her that Sam said Mickey told him that Michelle and Michael were walking in the mall when they heard that Jodie and Peter told Brittany that Jenny told them that you wear hearted boxers and we were like “How do you KNOW that?” and she said that you answered the door wearing them and a t-shirt and she said your dick was hanging out and that it was small and that your t-shirt had Garfield on it. LEO July 23 – August 22 Somebody, we’re not sure who, that you will see today, for sure, is feeling “stabby”. VIRGO August 23 – September 22 Thou art blessed for, whenever thou heareth the word “anthrax”, thou thinketh equally of the deadly bio-terror and Scott Ian. LIBRA September 23 – October 22 When you walk for muscular dystrophy, don’t do a silly walk. That’s just rude. SCORPIO October 23 – November 21 Do ya think anyone’s ever been killed by a Lego maniac? Do you ever think about stuff like that? SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21 Try to walk a mile in your brother’s shoes. Think about what it’s like to be the older brother, for once. Imagine living up to the pressure of being the official favorite. The frustration of always having to take care of your lame bullshit. You think this shit’s easy, asshole? Go make me a sammich. CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19 Rosanna Arquette dated both Toto (Yes, the whole band.) and Peter Gabriel. This indicates a heightened chance that Rosanna Arquette might fuck you. AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18 Here’s a tip, poindexter: Knowing the stardate of every Star Trek episode and it’s many spinoffs, you will probably never know a real date but will get told to “fuck off”. PISCES February 19 – March 20 All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. ARIES March 21 – April 19 It’s probably not a good idea to purchase all of your lime and cement mix from the same store. It might even behoove you to start using a remote location in the woods. TAURUS April 20 -May 20 Your new haircut is super ugly. Go ask your boyfriend how it looks and then deprive him of sex for a week. GEMINI May 21 – June 20 Do you see where there is only one set of footprints in the ground? It is then that I carried you into my van. CANCER June 21 – July 22 Cancer Cancer bo bancer, banana fanna fo fancer, me my mo mancer…Cancer! LEO July 23 – August 22 It is my distinct displeasure to inform you that you are the only person in the world aroused by the aroma of Axe Body Spray. VIRGO August 23 – September 22 @*#$! Hangnail! LIBRA September 23 – October 22 Explaining anything to your husband about why you’re leaving him would be difficult. Don’t worry, though. He’ll get over it while screwing younger, more attractive women while you chew on your own hubris. SCORPIO October 23 – November 21 You’re really more of a boy than a man. Which doesn’t mean you won’t be tried as an adult, pervert. SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21 Klaatu barada nikto! CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19 Trim that shit, bitch! This ain’t 1976 and “Bush” ain’t president no more! AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18 Is life but a dream? Are we merely experiencing the waking world through eyes that can not comprehend what we are not seeing? Does a separate world exist, parallel to our own, in which our souls exceed the limits of our mortal shells while we subconciously collect ethereal detrius that our minds interperet as experience and memory? I do not know the answers to these questions but I am totally calling Corey for some more of this bomb indica! PISCES February 19 – March 20 Ironically, smooth jazz does not go down easy. ARIES March 21 – April 19 Be very careful when cutting and pasting. A real taxidermist will be able to tell that hand came from another little girl. TAURUS April 20 -May 20 Meditation will reveal many secrets previously unknown to you, as will your sister’s diary. GEMINI May 21 – June 20 Don’t you get tired of looking at yourself in the mirror, you fat fucking slag? The reason those Hydrox cookies taste so good is because, just like when someone goes blind, their other senses get heightened, just as your complete lack of respect for yourself and having no one to love makes sugary lard taste better. CANCER June 21 – July 22 Your horoscope is calling from INSIDE THE HOUSE! LEO July 23 – August 22 Today is a special day so go ahead and spoil yourself. Pick that lock on your shackles and tell your father you’re not a kid anymore! VIRGO August 23 – September 22 Don’t get too excited there, cowboy. Remember that happiness is fleeting while a messy suicide is forever. LIBRA September 23 – October 22 The outside world looks dangerous, today. Best to order all goods and services via the internet and to install a doggy door for these goods, eliminating all human contact. There! Now, you’re a real American! SCORPIO October 23 – November 21 The hills are alive with the sound of music. Unfortunately, your neighbor’s stereo is alive with the sound of Nickelback. If you can call that living… SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21 You will be a big hit at the next party you attend! Wit and charm will flow naturally from your eloquent lips until you talk to the prettiest gal there and refer to yourself as a “Vagittarius”. CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19 Dude! Aw, man, dude. Like, dude! Gnar… AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18 Sadly, getting pregnant to trap your boyfriend into marriage IS the best idea you’ve ever had, stupid. PISCES February 19 – March 20 Paul is dead. ARIES March 21 – April 19 I double dog dare you to believe this one. Turns out, you’re part Martian. No shit. Seriously! Taking up bass guitar may seem like a good way to impress the chicks but they’re just working their way up to the drummer. It’s womandom’s best kept secret. GEMINI May 21 – June 20 As the Mayans’ prediction of the end of the world draws near, make sure you have your things in order. Nothing will haunt you more than unfinished business when 2012 comes knocking at your door. Call your estranged father, enjoy some time with your own daughter, call back that producer and do that porno flick. CANCER June 21 – July 22 For god’s sake, change your underwear. LEO July 23 – August 22 Getting what you want isn’t really what you want. If you got what you wanted, it would turn into something you don’t want. What I mean is…fuck it. It’s complicated. VIRGO August 23 – September 22 Giving to others is often a good thing and, sometimes it isn’t. Take your syphilis, for example. LIBRA September 23 – October 22 Hiding in the basement from the deranged lunatic upstairs may seem like a good idea but…have you tried opening a line of dialogue with him? SCORPIO October 23 – November 21 You’re a funky skull and a Scorpio and, when you got the flow, you’re doctor on the go. Slipknot is playing soon at a local venue. Better hurry up and finish that pipe bomb. CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19 Who has time for this? Does your boss know that you’re reading horoscopes? Get back to work, goldbrick. AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18 Last night echos in your mind as thoughts of ecstasy overwhelm your senses. His hands, both gentle and strong, left aftershocks of joy all over your body. Your legs quiver at the thought of his fit and not too muscular frame becoming one with your own. You are consumed by memories of his handsome face and oh my god, you are groping yourself on the bus. Snap out of it! PISCES February 19 – March 20 Crush. Kill. Destroy. ARIES March 21 – April 19 Take a deep breath. Thaaaat’s it. Relax and inhale…exhale. Feel the calmness. Feel the relaxation. Take slow, deep breaths. Good. The sarin should be working by now. TAURUS April 20 -May 20 Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you. By now you should’ve, somehow, realized what you gotta do. GEMINI May 21 – June 20 Think smarter, not harder. A decade’s worth of slight of hand parlor tricks will yield the same amount of blow jobs as one month of owning a luxury sports car. Cocaine optional. CANCER June 21 – July 22 Take life by the hand and walk with it down a warm, sunny beach. Treat life to a bottle of expensive wine and dinner at an upscale restaurant. After a prolonged engagement, marry life in Cabo. Have two kids with life and watch them grow into oddly unique versions of yourself. Listen to the police officer when she says not to go near the horrific car wreck that life was in. That’s not the memory you want to have. LEO July 23 – August 22 O=E and L=O Cogoghoc rl scavu klmc lnzxravo. VIRGO August 23 – September 22 Once again, your complete lack of control will make a mess all over your wife’s tits. LIBRA September 23 – October 22 Chin up! Your neighbor’s transformation from scumbag gambling degenerate to ultra annoying six in the morning door knocking Jehovah’s Witness is probably a good thing. Let him save your soul! SCORPIO October 23 – November 21 You’re wondering whether that tapeworm counts as something you should mention before an intimate encounter but you’re overlooking the most important question. Why haven’t you gotten that thing removed, yet? SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21 The streets will run red with the blood of your enemies. Their women will weep as you crush all those who oppose you under your heel. Their children will fear you more than weekends at Uncle Joe’s. You will ignore all cries for mercy as you decimate all opposition to your plan. No one has ever amassed such an impressive amount of power in any previous fantasy baseball league. CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19 The time has come to finally tell your mother that you were adopted. AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18 Life is filled with obstacles and hardships. Nothing clears them up more quickly than a good old fashioned drug habit. PISCES February 19 – March 20 It probably wasn’t a good idea to make your own fertilizer out of the contents of the catbox. |
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