I read an article recently that a man can increase his life expectancy by 5 years if he stares at a woman’s breasts for 10 minutes a day. Does it matter how big the breasts are? My wife is flat, and I’m really concerned about my health.

Signed,

Ogler

Dear Ogler,

That study was reported to have been done by Germans, who are surrounded by large boobies. You might want to play it safe and go to a strip club. Also, tell your wife to try those new subliminal messages and audio-waves to increase her breast size. I hear it really works.

Dear Frigid Slut,

So I took a woman to the movies the other day, and decided to try the popcorn trick. I made a hole and put my dick in, but I couldn’t last until she got to my penis; the butter was hot and burned, and the salt stung. Is there a better way to do this?

Signed,

Movie-Goer

Dear Movie-Goer,

How about you don’t use butter or salt next time, dumbass?

If you would like to receive advice from Frigid Slut, please send your questions to frigidslut@vilificationtennis.com.

I am going to CONvergence for my first time and I’m not sure what to expect. I hear there are lots of hot, slutty girls in next to nothing costumes there. How do I get laid at a science fiction convention?

Signed,

N00b

Dear N00b,

Seriously? I mean, really? You think you need help getting laid at a Sci-Fi convention? Who the hell are you? Brian, is that you?

Honestly, if you can’t get laid at a Sci-Fi convention, there is nothing I can do for you. However, make sure to check out Vilification Tennis at 10:30pm in the Main Room. We’ll all be getting laid after our show.

Dear Frigid Slut,

Who are you really?

Signed,

Curious

Dear Curious,

I am a slut, who also happens to be frigid.  I hope that clears it up for you.

If you would like to receive advice from Frigid Slut, please send your questions to frigidslut@vilificationtennis.com.

I have a huge cock and my girlfriend is really tight. Sometimes when I take my pants off, she tenses up so much at the sight of my enormous penis that I can’t even get it in. Can you help?

Signed,

Dick

Dear Dick,

You know how sometimes, when people take pictures at a specific angle to make one object in the foreground seem larger than the rest of the background items in the picture? Or how you can take something small, and surround it by smaller objects. This is why your dick looks so big compared to your 10 year old girlfriend. Which even we find disgusting. Quit it.

Dear Frigid Slut,

How can I make my first time really special?

Signed,

Virginia

Dear Virginia,

Ice cream.

If you would like to receive advice from Frigid Slut, please send your questions to frigidslut@vilificationtennis.com.

My girlfriend says I jack off too much. I think that I rub one out as often as any other man, but she thinks spanking the monkey more than 3 times a day is excessive. I generally beat off about 7 times a day. I choke the chicken more when she’s not around. Is there a limit on how many times a guy should polish his pole?

Signed,

Wanker

Dear Wanker,

Usually I condone the act of masturbation as a healthy act and completely normal. I don’t really care how often you squeeze the cream from your flesh twinkie, but your abuse of masturbation terms is completely unnatural. Unless you’re Salsa.

Dear Frigid Slut,

I date a lot of older men, but my friends think I could do better. My most recent beau is a 64 year old man who pleases me often. I’m 22. What should I tell my friends?

Signed,

Daddy Issues

Dear Daddy Issues,

I’m certain that you want me to tell you lines like “I’m mature for my age” or “I like a seasoned lover,” but in this case, I think you should go with the truth. Tell them you love the taste of powdered milk.

If you would like to receive advice from Frigid Slut, please send your questions to frigidslut@vilificationtennis.com.

I’m a 22 year old female, and have constant orgasms all the time. I can’t seem to stop. It probably doesn’t help that my boyfriend is rich and has a huge dick. What can I do to stop?

Signed,

Lady O.

Dear Lady O,

Your boyfriend is having sexual relations with me, my fat mother, and my dried, shriveled up grandmother. At the same time. I hope this helps.

Dear Frigid Slut,

I’m worried that my girlfriend is faking her orgasms. How can I tell?

Signed,

Insecure

Dear insecure,

The first sign that a woman is faking her orgasms is that she’s still overly loud and obnoxious when you stop. The second sign is that  she comes before you touch her. The third sign is that she’s having sex with you.

I was having sex with your fat mom the other day, and I noticed a funny rash between her legs. Should I be concerned?

Signed,
Not Daddy

Dear Not Daddy,

No, the rash is nothing to be concerned about. The rash you saw was not an STD, rather it was a raw spot from my mother’s fat thighs rubbing together. However, the burning while you pee should probably get checked out.

I am a 37 year old virgin. How does one go about seducing women?

Signed,
No Personality

Dear No Personality,

One normally goes about seducing women with charming personalities and lots of money. If nothing else, one can normally rely on their reasonable attractiveness at the end of the night to get a bar slut to come home with them. Since you probably don’t have any of the above, I suggest roofies.

If you would like to receive advice from Frigid Slut, please send your questions to frigidslut@vilificationtennis.com.