What you should drink it with: A good Chardonnay can pair well with almost any dish. As a general rule, white wine does not match well with any red meats, but Chardonnay is very drinkable with chicken or fish.

Riesling:  The Riesling grape comes from Germany. A lighter grape than Chardonnay, Riesling is very seldom aged in wood. Most Riesling that is commercially easily available tends to be very young wine, and thus very light and fruity.  Riesling, more than most wines, may actually have a sugary taste and a syrupy feel in the mouth.

What you should drink it with: Riesling can be enjoyed alone, as a dessert wine, or with dishes that are very light in flavor. It is a good choice as a wine to pair with appetizers, in order to keep the palate clear for more flavorful dishes later.

Sauvignon Blanc: The Head Trollop’s personal favorite, Sauvignon Blanc produces a crisp and refreshing wine, frequently described as grapefruit or mineral in flavor. The grape originates from France, and is unique in that it is usually not aged extensively.

What you should drink it with: Sauvignon Blanc pairs well with foods that are, like the wine, crisp and refreshing. This wine will go well with fruit, salads, cheese, and also sushi.

Zinfandel: Most people know Zinfandel as a white wine; however, there is a red variety, which we’ll discuss in future installments. The difference is not in the grape; rather, it’s a difference in the processing.  White zinfandel is technically a blush wine, and is pink, sugary, and fruity, and very very light.

What you should drink it with: Nothing. This is not a wine where you should be trying to pair it with anything. You’re wasting your time. Drink this when you want to just drink anything that has alcohol in it. The one advantage to white zinfandel is that it’s usually cheap, because it’s made to be drunk immediately instead of aged.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF WINE:

Wine is even older than your mom, having been around since roughly 6000 B.C. and possibly earlier. The first reliable reports of grape cultivation for wine come from what is now Georgia, near the Black Sea. Other reports indicate that grapes and rice may have been mixed, as the earliest form of rice wine, in China as early as 7000 BC.

Wine is unique in that it has been significant in many religions. The Catholic sacrament of transmutation, where bread and wine actually transform into the body and blood of Jesus Christ, is a cornerstone of the religion and one of the main disagreements between Protestants and Catholics during the Reformation period in Europe. The Greeks also regarded wine as something divine, with the worship of the god Dionysus, solely dedicated to the grape harvest, wine, and winemaking.

TYPES OF WINE:

Generally, wine falls into two categories: red and white. Red wine is more common, tends to be heavier and more complex, and is generally regarded as superior to white wine. White wine tends to have more light, fruit or floral tastes, and is not as common in higher qualities. When you go to a restaurant and look at the “bottle list”, meaning wine that’s so fucking expensive that they won’t serve it by the glass, notice how the red wines will outnumber the whites significantly.

WINE TERMINOLOGY

To appear snooty, there are a few terms one must be familiar with.

Bouquet/nose/aroma: The scent of the wine. For maximum snooty factor, you should always swirl the wine around in your glass, while breathing in through your nose. Apparently this is a very important component of the experience of drinking wine. We’re not impressed: we didn’t get any drunker when sniffing vs. not. However, the bouquet of the wine is supposedly a precursor of the actual flavor. For extra points in your snooty, you should involve adjectives that have absolutely nothing to do with wine. For example: “Hmmm. I’m detecting notes of IKEA furniture, with just a hint of the latest travesty by Nickelback.”

Aftertaste/finish/length: What happens in your mouth after swallowing. The wine, fucktard.

Age/Aged: Leaving the wine in something while it gets older. For example, chardonnay is usually aged in oak casks, which gives it (guess what?) the oaky flavor it’s sometimes known for.

Breathe: The act of exposing wine to oxygen, which enhances the flavors. How do you let wine breathe? Open the bottle and let it sit. You can also decant wine, which means pouring it into one of those big glass vase-like things (also called a decanter), so more of the surface of the wine is exposed to the air, hurrying the process along.

Varietal: This is a reference to the type of grape or grapes used to make the wine. To be “called” a wine, such as a Chardonnay or a Cabernet Sauvignon, a wine has to contain a certain percentage of that grape. Wines can, and frequently do, use more than one type of grape.

That concludes part one of our wine coverage. In the next installment, we’ll discuss white wines in more detail, including the major varietals and how to pair them with food.

Well, we here at BHT went on a search. We thoroughly combed the Internet for the best tips and guidelines on finding a bra that fits well. After that, we asked the biggest sluts we know (read: next cubicle over) about how they get their awesome lift and perfect boobage appeal.

Fitting Your Bra: The Measurement (or, what the hell do those numbers mean?)

The Head Trollop recalls with fondness entering a well-known lingerie chain store wearing a comfy C-cup bra and being told she should be wearing an A, according to the numbers. While we’re willing to accept minor differences in band size, or even being on the borderline of a cup, something just ain’t right here…

Band Size: That One is the Number

The band size is your chest measurement, just below your breasts, plus 5. Why it was necessary to add 5, we’re not sure, but we blame the increasing obesity of American women.

To measure, put your favorite bra on and adjust it so that it’s comfortable. The band of the bra should not be cutting into your ribs, or producing rolls below the breasts; this is going to throw the measurement off. Now measure, with a flexible measuring tape, around your chest just below the bra band. Add 5 to that measurement. Since bras all come in even band sizes, if you get an odd result, round up to the next even number.

Example: The Head Trollop measures 28” around the bra band. She adds 5 to that and gets 33”, so she has to round up to 34”.

Cup Size: I’d Rather Have a Coffee, Personally

Cup sizes are those mysterious letters that seem to have nothing to do with real-life perception. We don’t know about you, but in school wasn’t an A better? And in bra size, well…OOH TEENY!

To determine cup size, measure around the fullest part of the breasts. For most women (but not all) this will be approximately along the line of where the nipples are.

Now, subtract the band size from this measurement. Theoretically, if you have a difference of:

1”: You are an A cup
2”: You are a B cup
3”: You are a C cup
4”: You are a D cup
5”: You are an E cup. You’ve also probably never heard of an E cup. This is more commonly known as DD.
6”: You are an F cup. This is more commonly known as DDD.

Example: The Head Trollop measures 37” around the fullest part of her breasts. Her band size has already been determined as 34”, so she subtracts: 37” – 34” = 3” difference. The Head Trollop is a 34C bra size.

The Head Trollop actually *does* find a 34C is the most comfortable size, generally, so the measurements hold true for her. However, for many women this is not the case. If your measurements yield increments like half-inches, you may want to keep a note of this and adjust your size if the measured size isn’t quite working out. Since standards vary greatly between bra manufacturers, the best way to get a good bra is to try them on, every single time, starting with your measured size.

Also keep in mind at what point in your cycle you measure. The Head Trollop can personally attest that women can change a full cup size and more as they approach that time of the month. If you’re a woman whose boobs swell a lot, you might want to consider having a “period bra” in a different size.

Troubleshooting Your Bra: Ur Doin it Rong

The right bra should provide support without slipping, cutting into the skin, having the band ride up, creating a “double-bubble”, or having the breasts fall out when you move. If it’s doing these things, you’re either wearing something that you stole from Stormy Daniels, or you’re wearing the wrong size. Or both. Stormy Daniels has enormous boobs.

Really, though, your bra is probably doing at least one of those things. We found a terrific website during our search that offers some great solutions to common fitting problems. Check out Her Room at http://www.herroom.com/solve-bra-size-and-fit-problems,909,30.html

Creating Cleavage: You Fit What Down There?!?

Even the tiniest little A cup can create cleavage worthy of a Miley Cyrus video.

-Buy a push-up bra. These bras are specifically designed to cleavage-ify your rack.

-Buy a convertible bra, and cross the straps in the back. This does two things: it lifts the breasts and brings them closer together to make the cleavage. Advantage to doing it this way: you can uncross the straps when you don’t want to look like a hoor.

-Good posture. Stand up straight, shoulders back, and keep the muscles of the chest engaged. You’re not going to bench-press your way to bigger boobs, but keeping the pectoral muscles toned will add a little lift. If you lose this muscle tone, your breasts will start to sag.

-Choose your shirts carefully. Deep V-necks won’t do you any good, but narrow V-necks or tops with asymmetrical necklines will help create the illusion of larger breasts.

Now that your tits are perfectly harnessed into a socially-acceptable shape, be sure to visit us next month for the start of our educational series on wine!

Like most stains encountered in a sexual way, vomit stains are organic in nature, being composed of natural protein. Of the stains we’ve looked at so far, vomit is probably the most difficult to deal with, as each stain can be very different based on its original composition.

As with most stains, cleaning up is much easier when starting with a fresh stain. If the vomit is still liquid and has not dried, blot up as much as you can and avoid working the stain further into the fabric or carpet. If the vomit has dried, use a hard-bristled brush or a scraping tool to remove as much as possible.

Washable garments should then be pre-treated with stain remover or a solution of warm water and enzymatic detergent (remember your Seventh Generation?). Since vomit dries on a fabric, you’ll need to use warm water as opposed to the normal cold. After the pre-treatment, run your clothes through the washing machine, and then air-dry. Remember to avoid using a dryer until you are sure the stain is completely out.

After the solids are removed, vomit on carpets can be treated first with a stain remover such as Up & Out Stain Remover.  Next, mix a solution of enzymatic detergent and warm water, and sponge the area until you don’t lift up any more stain. Finally, mix a solution of 1 tablespoon ammonia with 1 cup of warm water, and sponge the area again until no more stain comes up.

Carpets can easily mildew, so you’ll want to make sure that all the liquid is pulled back out of the carpet. Fold a clean towel into a thick pad, and place it on top of the stain. Use a heavy object to weigh the pad down. Once the pad has absorbed as much liquid as possible, let the spot air-dry.

Fecal Stains

Fecal matter shares some characteristics with vomit, in that the composition can be very different with each expulsion. Also shared is the first step in cleanup: removing the solids. Since fecal matter can frequently contain parasites or other nasty germs, make sure you wear gloves throughout cleanup!

Use an old spoon or spatula to remove any solids. Next, mix a solution of ammonia and warm water (2 tablespoons ammonia to one cup water) and blot the stain. Rinse the spot well with cold water.

If ammonia does not completely remove the stain, try a solution of your enzymatic detergent and warm water, or a product such as Nature’s Miracle.

Fecal stains can create lasting odor problems. In addition, animals have a much stronger sense of smell than humans, and may return to the same place to urinate or defecate if odors are not completely removed. You may wish to treat your stain intermittently with baking soda: sprinkle dry baking soda over the old stain, let it sit overnight, and then vacuum it up.

In September, BHT will be classing our features up, and beginning a series on wine varietals and selection. Cheers!

Last month we began our series with general clean-up tips, and an in-depth look at blood and semen stains. This month we’re returning to our potty-training days, and delving into clean-up techniques for urine stains.

Urine Stains

Generally, the worst thing about a urine stain is the smell. The stain itself will easily come out of most fabrics with a simple run through the washing machine or trip to the dry cleaners. If you’re in public, though, or can’t wash the stained item, here are a few ideas to help minimize the embarrassment!

When treating fabrics with any kind of product, it’s always a good idea to do a test patch before you attack head-on. Use a small, unobtrusive area where any damage will be hidden, and treat in the same way as you intend to handle the larger stain.

If your stain is on car upholstery, your easiest solution is to go professional. A car detailer will be able to shampoo your car upholstery for you. In the meantime, soak up as much of the urine as possible using clean 100% cotton rags, or paper towels.

Shaving cream will also work to clean up stains. After you’ve soaked up the urine, scrub the area with a soft-bristle brush, or an old toothbrush, and blot up the shaving cream. You can repeat this process as many times as necessary.

If you’re in public and can’t change clothes, you need to use cold water to flush out as much of the urine as possible from your fabric. Remove the clothing item and run the stain under the water for a good minute or two. Use a hand dryer to hide the evidence, and run your clothes through the washing machine as soon as you can.

Mattresses, while awkward, are somewhat easier to clean because the outside is always hidden from view. Ideally, take your stained mattress outside, and rub a strong solution of bleach and water on the stains: about 1 cup bleach to 1 gallon of water. Use clean rags, and let the solution work before flushing it with clean water. Let the mattress air-dry, or place a fan on it.

Vinegar and water mix is an excellent all-purpose cleaner for the household, and works well for stains of all types. Use a 50/50 solution and douse the stain, then blot up, and keep repeating.

The bane of every pet-owner’s existence is urine-stained carpet. Carpet is difficult to clean completely, because underneath the carpet is a pad that stains soak into. The surface area of the carpet itself can be completely clean, but stains can hide in the pad and “lift up” over time.

To really get urine, pet or otherwise, out of your carpet, requires effort both immediately and over time. The best way to do this is to have a professional steam-clean the carpet with shampoo designed for urine. You can do this yourself with a Rug Doctor or other carpet cleaning machine if you like. For maximum effect, the carpet needs to be cleaned as soon as possible after the accident, and then re-cleaned several times to pull as much of the urine out of the carpet pad as possible. If the stain has set, this will be difficult, as carpet pads are very porous and will hold the smell and stain.

A word of advice: Most pet-urine cleaners are designed for dogs. Cat urine requires different cleaning measures, and we have heard very good things about using just vinegar and water for this type of stain.

Next month, we’ll wind up our stain treatments by examining fecal and vomit stains. We hope to see you join for the conclusion of this very exciting series!

This three-part series will detail how to clean up some of the most common stains you’re likely to encounter as a sexually active adult. This month, we’ll take a look at general clean-up tips, as well as discuss two types of stains in more detail: blood and semen.

General Tips

Any fabric stains should be treated as quickly as possible. Fabrics, with very little exception, are porous surfaces, and the more the stain is able to penetrate the fabric, the more difficult it is to remove later.

Cold water is your friend when treating stains – much like your legs, the pores in fabric close up when cooled, and open up when heated.

Read the directions carefully on any stain removal product that you buy. Certain removers may damage fabric or fade colors. Also make sure you read care tags before starting any kind of cleaning process.

Blood Stains:

-Use an absorbent material to clean up as much of the blood as possible. Blot, don’t rub, as rubbing will work the stain further into the fabric, and you don’t want to do this at this stage. 100% cotton rags are best, but paper towels will also work.

-Run the stained area under cold water. If you can’t do this, dab it with cold water using a rag. Use clean rags for each step – you don’t want to add to the stain!

-Your next step depends on what you’re cleaning up. If you’re working on a garment or other item that is dry-clean only, stop right now and take your item to the cleaners as quickly as possible. The longer you wait, the more the stain sets. If your item can be cleaned by washing (including hand washing), then proceed to the next step.

-Pre-treat your stain using either hydrogen peroxide, or a detergent that contains enzymes. Detergents that are biodegradable or “green” frequently have enzymes in them – so even if you aren’t a hippie, you might consider keeping a bottle of Seventh Generation on hand for when your girlfriend is on the rag.

To pre-treat, mix your detergent or hydrogen peroxide with cold water and let your fabric soak – the ratio should be listed on the package. Five to 10 minutes of pre-treatment should be ample.

-Wash your fabric in cold water and then let it air dry. Using a dryer will set the stain and it will be impossible to remove if any remains after your first treatment. If you air dry and the stain is still there, follow this procedure again.

Semen/”Feminine Fluids”

(As a side note, we don’t think that “feminine fluids” is a particularly great term…but we didn’t really like “vag juice” either)

These stains are in the same family as blood stains: “organic” stains that are mainly made up of proteins. Semen and feminine fluids are easier to clean up than blood, as a general rule, due to their usually colorless nature.

-Regular washing will generally do just fine for semen or feminine fluids. If the stain seems stubborn, try using a paste made of borax: 1 tablespoon of borax with a small amount of water. Spread the paste on the stain, wait 30 minutes, and then brush the mixture away.

-Semen and feminine fluid stains are really only going to cause problems when the stains are on items that can’t be washed, like car upholstery. In this case, use a solution made of cold water and vinegar (2 parts water to 1 part vinegar), and scrub scrub scrub. If the stain doesn’t come out, your best bet will be to take your car to a detailer and have them shampoo the upholstery for you.

The water/vinegar solution will work on furniture upholstery as well, although many couch covers can be unzipped and thrown in the washing machine.

Next month we’ll be covering “Number One” and “Number Two” stains…so stay tuned!

Start with the basic recipe and then use your imagination! Every woman and her waffle is a little different. We’ve included a few fun serving suggestions to get you started.

Basic Twat Waffle Recipe

1  cup  all-purpose flour
2  teaspoons  sugar
1  teaspoon  baking powder
1/8  teaspoon  salt
1  cup  sliced strawberries
2 T. milk (you may wish to add more if the batter is too thick)
1  tablespoon  vegetable oil
1/4  teaspoon  vanilla extract
large egg
Red food coloring
Cooking spray

Preparation

Lightly spoon flour into a dry measuring cup; level with a knife. Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt in a medium bowl; make a well in center of mixture. Place strawberries, milk, oil, vanilla, and egg in a blender; process until smooth. Add pureed strawberry mixture to flour mixture, stirring just until moist. If the color of the batter isn’t quite the pink you desire, add red food coloring 1 drop at a time, stirring thoroughly before adding more.

Coat a waffle iron with cooking spray; preheat. Spoon about 1/4 cup batter per 4-inch waffle onto hot waffle iron; spread batter to edges. Cook 5 to 6 minutes or until steaming stops; repeat with remaining batter.

Serving Suggestions:

“Time of the Month” twat waffle: Serve with strawberry syrup. A nice touch is adding small chunks of strawberries to your mixture.
“Morning After” twat waffle: Serve generously dolloped with whipped cream or Cool Whip.
“Au Naturel” twat waffle:  Sprinkle waffle abundantly according to your hair color. We suggest shaved chocolate, coconut dyed with food coloring, or candy sprinkles. For a Brazilian twat waffle, sprinkle one very thin line down the center of the waffle.

The larger woman faces many challenges in catering to her enlarged figure. While the rising rate of obesity in America has contributed to the launch and success of stores such as Torrid and Lane Bryant, which exclusively cater to the “fluffier” female, the sad fact is that many women simply don’t understand how to dress themselves and avoid looking like the proverbial ten pounds of shit.

We questioned several fashion experts for their most secret tubby tips, and are pleased to offer them for you in tis exclusive VilTen featurette:

1. Vertical Stripes Slim

Muffi N’Top, editor of Fun Fearless Fatty, reminds us that stripes can work to a woman’s advantage. “Vertical stripes draw the eye down and create the illusion of slimness,” she offers. “Pinstripes can work, but the larger the figure, the larger the stripe needs to be in order to fool the observer. I recommend that the largest ladies take advantage of their surroundings, and stand behind convenient fences for maximum effect.”

2.  Baby’s Got Black

“It’s been a common fashion staple for decades that black is slimming. Larger ladies wanting to create an hourglass effect should look for tops that are color blocked: one large panel of bright color in the center, with panels of black on the sides. This pulls focus to the center and the black panels almost erase any side overflow that might be present.”  -Thun derThies, weekly fashion columnist, Chew Chew Momma

3. Buy Your Size

“You hit it right on the nail when you talked about the ten pounds of shit in a nine-pound bag – or in this case, a blouse,” dishes Camille Tough, editor-in-chief of Maximum Intake. “Wearing skintight clothes, or clothes that aren’t the correct size, when you’re a larger person just makes you look even bigger. You look so much fatter when you have rolls erupting out of the top of your pants than if you’d just bought a size larger. Clothes that are fitted, and tailored to the figure without being tight, are always the way to go. We need to get over this preoccupation with size as a number and think more of size as a feeling and a look.”

4. Open Your Legs

“Tapered trousers are suicide for a woman with large hips and buttocks,” concludes Bught Crauque, features editor for Scales. “If the pant leg is slim, it creates an inverted triangle effect, and attention is drawn to the very area you want to de-emphasize. I recommend that larger women look for either wide-leg pants, or a pant that is fitted in the thigh and then is a flared or boot-cut shape at the bottom.”

Most people think orgies are pretty self-explanatory. If you’re going to host an orgy, all you need to do is put clean sheets on the bed and buy the family pack of lubricated condoms, right? WRONG.

The true group-sex connoisseur appreciates the difference between run-of-the-mill DVDA and a sensual, exciting group experience that will linger – just like a good case of gonorrhea. Following our expert tips will ensure an evening of blissful gang-banging.

1. Invest in good sheets. You’ll be rolling around quite a bit on them, and nothing kills the mood like bad rug-burn on the knees from cheap low-thread-count sheets. Consider organic bamboo sheets, well-known for smoothness and breathability, or if your budget will stretch, high thread-count Egyptian cotton. www.bedbathandbeyond.com offers a great selection of both bamboo and Egyptian cotton sheet sets – and don’t forget the pillowcases!
2. Consider atmosphere. No one’s going to feel sexy looking at your last electric bill, so clean up. Tidy away the evidence of daily life, and concentrate on how special this evening really is. Place candles in strategic locations (preferably scented with vanilla, jasmine, or other erotic aromas), for both mood and lighting.
3. Avoid awkwardness. Your orgy will be a much more delightful experience if all your toys, condoms, lubricants, and restraints are within easy reach. If you don’t own a bedside table, perhaps now is the time to invest.
4. Have appetizers and beverages on hand for both before and after. If your guests don’t know each other, they may feel more comfortable having something to eat and drink before things get going as a way to relax and get in the mood. A light snack beforehand and a more high-protein nosh afterward will keep everyone’s energy up.

For Before: Cheese and Fruit Platter

This little platter can be easily assembled and requires a minimum of prep work. Plus, it’s quick to refill in case your guests have more of an appetite than you’ve anticipated – and the leftovers can be nibbled on afterward too.

You’ll need:

• Carr’s Table Water Crackers, 1 box cracked pepper and 1 box original for every 4 guests. These are absolutely the best crackers for serving with cheese, but if you must be economical, original Triscuits will work in a pinch.
• Cheeses: At a minimum, you should have Brie, Chevre (goat cheese, preferably seasoned with basil and oregano), and a hard cheese such as white or sharp Cheddar. You can add or substitute to your taste.
• Fruit: Choose finger fruits that require little or no preparation. We recommend grapes, strawberries, or dried fruits such as cherries or apricots.
• Nuts: These are optional, but a nice extra touch. Almonds, cashews, or dry roast peanuts are all good choices.

For After: Open-Faced Egg and Ham Sandwiches

Super easy to make and devour, your guests can even assist with making these sandwiches.

You’ll need:

• Bread
• Sliced Cheese (we like sharp cheddar, but up to you)
• Thick-sliced Ham
• Eggs
• Salt and pepper to taste

Layer the bread with a slice of cheese on top. Warm ham in a frying pan and place another slice of cheese on top. Cook egg over-easy on high heat. Alternately, you can scramble the eggs and cook omelet style, folding it up to fit onto the sandwich.

Beverages: Having a good selection of wine on hand (at minimum 1 white and 2 reds) is not only a good way to satisfy thirst, but also an excellent conversation starter. A person’s taste in wine is so subjective that you’ll be halfway to the bedroom before discussion of different varietals is done – and that extra touch of class that comes from good wine doesn’t hurt!

Non-alcoholic beverages are just as important. Have juice, soda, and club soda available for refreshment either during or afterward. Your guests will be thirsty after all that hard pounding away.

BRAVO! You’ve successfully hosted your orgy and provided an evening’s entertainment that your guests won’t soon forget!