ARIES March 21 – April 19
After a prolonged engagement, your husband-to-be will be flattened by a Greyhound bus days before the wedding. It’s okay, he was going to be impotent within five years, anyway.
TAURUS April 20 -May 20
No one appreciates a good fisting more than you. Try to remember, though, that many people don’t appreciate it, at all. Once you let this all sink in, you’ll understand why you’re in that jail cell.
GEMINI May 21 – June 20
Today is a great day for skydiving! Trust me!
CANCER June 21 – July 22
Your illegitimate son is still unaware of your existence. Your nomadic lifestyle doesn’t seem like so much of a hassle now, does it?
LEO July 23 – August 22
You truly capture the spirit of your sign in the Zodiac! Actually, you’re more like the Detroit Lions. Sorry.
VIRGO August 23 – September 22
Sure, you may say ridiculously stupid things but you mean to say ridiculously intelligent things. Try to take comfort in that, Charly.
LIBRA September 23 – October 22
It’s a beautiful day! Take some time off and head down to the beach. Try not to worry about whether sand crabs can effectively breed with your crabs.
SCORPIO October 23 – November 21
This one is for Mike D: Is it safe to call you “Spinach D” yet?
SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21
I’m sorry. I don’t have time to do your horoscope, Ghostbusters II is on television, right now.
CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19
I’m getting real sick of saying this but there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that Doomsday would win in a fight with The Incredible Hulk. Do you know how fucking stupid you sound when you say that? Why does everyone who started reading comix in the early nineties think that they’re some sort of high falootin’ authority on theoretical brawls? Don’t dip in the kool-aid if you don’t know what the flava is!
AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18
You agree with me, don’t you?
PISCES February 19 – March 20
Stay golden, Pony Boy.
