“It’s true,” Douglas confessed to a friend during a late night drinking session.  “Those numbers are just so… so… you know what I mean.  They just… flow across the page.  I mean, I know some of those figures are artificially inflated due to market bubbles, but every time I see the S&P 500 rates, I just get aroused.”

This announcement comes as no surprise to Douglas’ co-workers.  “More than once I have opened his office door to find him quickly slip something into his desk, but not before I saw a glimpse of this week’s silver prices,” said analyst Brian Templeton.  “I mean, what guy doesn’t get a little excited about the Commodities Market, but, c’mon, you’re at work!”

Douglas remains unapologetic, though.  “This does not mean that I love my own company’s consumer pricing any less,” he declared.  “Things are really great for us between the spreadsheets.  But, a man has needs, y’know.  Just because I sometimes like to fantasize about owning shares in other people’s mutual funds doesn’t mean I’m a bad man.”

The Wall Street Journal could not be reached for comment.

At a press conference held at the NHL Headquarters in New York, Bettman officially launched the “What Would Gretzky Do”, or WWGD Campaign.  “We at the NHL hope that by raising public awareness of hockey, eventually we can reach the point where people actually watch a game,” stated Bettman.

The announcement kicked off a multi-million dollar campaign which includes TV commercials featuring prominent hockey figures, WWGD bracelets which are shaped like a string of missing teeth, and billboards telling people who Wayne Gretzky is.

“I always dreamed my life would be… different,” he told James Lipton of Inside the Actor’s Studio.  “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve dreamt of being an aspiring actor. I’d hear stories of struggling artists taking minimum wage jobs as dishwashers and waiters, and the romance of it enthralled me.  But I never got the chance to live the Bohemian lifestyle.  No matter how many auditions for commercials I went to, they just wouldn’t turn me down.  It was extremely frustrating.”

Lynch, who has acknowledged that he isn’t getting any younger, has decided to move back to his hometown of Hollywood and take up his father’s business of being filthy rich.

“We realized that the drag queen was the fastest rising group of cosmetics users in the market today, and we wanted to focus on this untapped market potential,” said CoverGirl spokeswoman Rebecca Neustedt in a recent GQ Magazine interview.  “With that in mind, we wanted to create a line of cosmetics that worked better with their skin types and pH levels.”

The response has been swift from other cosmetics manufacturers.  Avon consultants have already been seen in the Castro district of San Francisco, and Maybelline’s new “She wasn’t born with it, so it must be Maybelline” ad posters have sprung up in gay bars across the country.

“I’ve been teased about it for years now,” Thomas stated.  “I never believed it.  I just thought [the other students] were being mean.  How was I to know it was the truth?”

Thomas has since resolved to find out whether or not he actually throws like a girl, his big brother can get beat up by his classmate’s big brothers, and if he’s gay.

Weeks of speculation were put to rest this morning when President Obama held a much anticipated press conference.  Flanked by Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner, President Obama revealed his much anticipated plan to reduce our national debt: by refinancing it with Ditech.

“My fellow Americans,” the President began.  “The problem that we are facing is an old one.  It is no surprise that the debt of this nation has skyrocketed.  And it is no surprise that if nothing is done, this trend will not cease.  However, for too long the answer to the problem by Washington insiders has been business as usual.  But this downward spiral which has already brought our debt to over a trillion dollars needs to stop.  That is why we need to return to the basics.  That is why, today, I am proud to announce my plan to reign in our debt, and regain control of our economy.”

The President went on to illustrate how his plan will work. “Many countries hold our debt,” the President explained.  “China, Japan, Brazil…  Now let me be clear about this:  With this plan, we can consolidate that debt into one low monthly payment at a competitive interest rate.  It won’t be easy, but with hard work and dedication, we can bring back some level of responsibility to our fiscal situation.”

The Republican delegation of the Senate, however, has already voiced their displeasure at the President’s proposed plan.  “It sounds kind of Socialist to me,” said Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) in a rebuttal later that day.  “Besides, we wanted to go with Lending Tree.”

A few dozen PETA activists bared all this weekend in an attempt to bring awareness to… something.  The protest started at around noon and… whoa, look at the jugs on that one!  Many of them carried signs that said… something about animals, probably.

Did I mention they were naked?

In an interview, Ashley Stone, the event’s organizer and a smokin’ hot brunette from Seattle, WA, gave a statement about animals and stuff.  Probably ethical treatment. Who cares.  As her anger grew, and she spoke more heatedly about cosmetics testing, her ample bosom heaved with every breath.  She spoke of the pride she had for the other protesters.  And, she had a Brazilian.

In an attempt to simulate the pain of animals or something stupid like that, some of the protesters locked themselves in cages.  I interviewed one of them, but I have no idea what she said, as a breeze picked up just then and she totally nipped out.

Many of the protesters that were interviewed expressed hope that their actions would bring whatever bullshit that they are talking about into the public’s awareness, and I will be in my office watching the videos to… umm… figure out what that is.  Hold my calls.

Despite going out on over a dozen dates arranged by online dating service e-Tryst, Jarod Houston, 26, has not found what he is looking for.

“When I saw the e-Tryst commercial,” he told our reporters, “I was blown away. The chick they had was the bomb!  I couldn’t take my eyes off of her as she rolled around on the bed in those Daisy Dukes.  At first I wasn’t sure if I had a chance, but the longer I watched her demonstrate how easy it was to sign up, I thought “I can do this!” Plus, she was wearing a really tight sweater that left her midriff bare.  Who wouldn’t want to try?”

Since than, however, the dating service’s slogan of “Find the one that’s right for you!” has proven to be a lie.  “I watched that commercial dozens of times in order to modify my search criteria to find her,” Jarod fumed.  “I wrote down her hair color, eye color, build… I even watched the commercial in slow motion to see what her likes were when her laptop screen was visible for a second.”

However, his first date proved to be a disappointment.  “Yeah, she was cute, but it wasn’t HER,” he said, shaking his head.  “I was ready to plow that cutie, but then this… NOBODY walks up to me.  She didn’t even have the right hair color!  She was a platinum blonde when I specifically wrote “dishwater blonde”.  The next date wasn’t any better.  Sure, each one was a hottie, but after masturbating to that commercial that many times, I really wanted the real thing.”

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath as his latest date arrived.  “It’s not her.  Looks like I’m queueing up TiVo again tonight.”

A spokesman for the Interior Ministry has released a statement stating that the affair was uncovered during an internal investigation into why Bo Peep kept losing her sheep. “Miss Peep has been placed on administrative leave pending charges of dereliction of duty,” he said, shaking his head. “I guess now we all know why,” he added.

The affair, which follows closely at the heels of the tragic Humpty Dumpty fatality has thrown the competency of the King Cole administration into question. “First he makes budget cuts that leaves me unable to pay my rent,” stated an old woman who had been forced to move her whole family into a shoe for shelter, “and now the corruption in his administration has led to this infidelity. It’s worse than that incident a few years ago where his Head Chef was arrested for imprisoning his wife in a pumpkin shell.”

The King could not be reached for comment.