Photo by Peter Parker

NEW YORK, NY – True believers across the nation were surprised and horrified after witnessing their friendly neighborhood Spider-Man foil a bank robbery, spin a web of justice, then lay close to one hundred eggs inside the chest cavity of the would be robber, Chris Wayne.

“Oh, JESUS CHRIST! Why are you all just watching? AAAIIIIEEEEE!” exclaimed Wayne as the wall crawler oozed out egg after egg in front of a horrified crowd of jaded New Yorkers. “Please just fucking KILL ME!” he screamed to the onlookers as the slightly translucent eggs that revealed the bizarre spider/human pupae entered his body.

Reed Richards visited the Elizabeth St. precinct to examine the pulsating chest of Wayne. “They should hatch in two to four weeks,” Richards explained and then used his elastic frame to mimic the theoretical metamorphosis taking place inside Wayne’s body.

Reporter Benn Urich managed to ask Spider-Man about his actions to which he quipped “No time for love, Dr. Jones, I have a date with Doc Ock and I get the feeling he forgot the wine again!”

Both Rice Chex and Honeycomb have complained of strange noises during the night while the oblivious Clarks slumber. Honeycomb was quoted as saying “Do you know how hard it is to sleep listening to some Peter Lorre imitator endlessly moan and wail about nutrition and free shit for box tops?” Rice Chex also weighed in by saying “We get it, you’re not done being a box of cereal. Even if it’s harmless, it’s still spooky to see an empty box float out of the cupboard and try to pour itself into a bowl. Throw the thing out already Mrs. Clark!”

Local legend states that Boo Berry’s supernatural stubbornness stems from his love for Fruit Brute, the gay werewolf cereal mascot who was killed in 1983 by a lavender bullet. The grim and nutritious specter of oaty goodness can only be freed by a special vigil involving milk, a grapefruit, two strips of bacon, and a glass of orange juice.

“I should most definitely be on the list!” Cocozzello yelled to St. Peter. “C,mon, my girlfriend’s in there!” “A lot of people’s girlfriends are in there.” St. Peter retorted as he lifted the rope again, this time for recently deceased actor/drug czar Dennis Hopper who paused to ask Cocozzello “Like, what’s your problem, man?”

Despite pointing his name out on St. Peter’s list, Cocozzello was forcibly ejected from the premises and was forced to spend eternity at a local dive bar infamous for its chili fries and Galaga machine with a broken joystick.

After a prolonged engagement, your husband-to-be will be flattened by a Greyhound bus days before the wedding. It’s okay, he was going to be impotent within five years, anyway.

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

No one appreciates a good fisting more than you. Try to remember, though, that many people don’t appreciate it, at all. Once you let this all sink in, you’ll understand why you’re in that jail cell.

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

Today is a great day for skydiving! Trust me!

CANCER June 21 – July 22

Your illegitimate son is still unaware of your existence. Your nomadic lifestyle doesn’t seem like so much of a hassle now, does it?

LEO July 23 – August 22

You truly capture the spirit of your sign in the Zodiac! Actually, you’re more like the Detroit Lions. Sorry.

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

Sure, you may say ridiculously stupid things but you mean to say ridiculously intelligent things. Try to take comfort in that, Charly.

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

It’s a beautiful day! Take some time off and head down to the beach. Try not to worry about whether sand crabs can effectively breed with your crabs.

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

This one is for Mike D: Is it safe to call you “Spinach D” yet?

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

I’m sorry. I don’t have time to do your horoscope, Ghostbusters II is on television, right now.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

I’m getting real sick of saying this but there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that Doomsday would win in a fight with The Incredible Hulk. Do you know how fucking stupid you sound when you say that? Why does everyone who started reading comix in the early nineties think that they’re some sort of high falootin’ authority on theoretical brawls? Don’t dip in the kool-aid if you don’t know what the flava is!

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

You agree with me, don’t you?

PISCES February 19 – March 20

Stay golden, Pony Boy.

Following the personal tirade, Rebar focused his attention on the entire crowd and accused them of lacking all common sense and threatening to “eat their souls and send them to hell”. After the veins in Rebar’s head returned to the inside of his scalp, he attempted to apologize to the crowd by saying “I’m just kidding. my sense of humor is dark, don’t you fucks get it?”

Comment cards were meticulously filled out by many members of the audience and management of the Chuckle Depot politely asked Rebar to gain carnal knowledge of himself. This is the third time Rebar has been forcibly and justifiably removed from the premises of a comedy club.

Parents sensed that something was amiss after the display of revenge on the field. “They should have been celebrating” said one father. “We knew there was something rotten in Denmark when our boys doused that…that bastard with cold, cold liquid instead of jumping for joy amongst themselves. I would never imagine doing that to a coach who led you to such an amazing and important victory unless, of course, he used sex and fear as a weapon against you.”

Graphic details of Barber’s inappropriate behavior have been released including his penchant for sticking his nose into the hind quarters of the players. A place that many agree his nose “simply doesn’t belong”. Many wondered why Barber coached little league, in the first place, since his area of athletic expertise lay in figure skating and not baseball. Presumably, Barber’s feelings of inadequacy boiled over after being confronted with the awesomeness of baseball, causing him to molest the gifted little league players.

No means no but silence implies consent. Chloroform.

TAURUS April 20 -May 20

You will die of a heart attack today unless your name is “Xanadu”. If your name is “Xanadu”, your dick will fall off. Who’s the lucky one?

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

This will be a good week to give spare change to the beggars in your neighborhood. Hint: One of them has a knife and a fear of rejection.

CANCER June 21 – July 22

The universe will provide answers to many of the questions you have been pondering such as “How much does kerosene cost?”, “How far is it to the old family cabin?”, and “Exactly how many kittens will fit into this Army surplus duffel bag?”.

LEO July 23 – August 22

Progress at your place of business will come much faster if you cease to refer to good things as being “tits”.

VIRGO August 23 – September 22

Eat that oatmeal, motherfucker!

LIBRA September 23 – October 22

Getting a Marine Corps tattoo is meaningless unless you were actually in the Marine Corps. Real Marines will find out and be displeased with you. By displeased, I mean trained killers will pound the shit out of you in a bar fight, Private Pyle.

SCORPIO October 23 – November 21

An astonishing amount of work has gone into you being who you are. From your conception, feeding and schooling you, to years spent learning a useful trade. All of the people who have touched your life for better or worse. You have become THE most respected of all parking enforcement officers. Truly, yours is the saddest horoscope of all.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21

Who wears short shorts? YOU wear short shorts. Knock it off. You’re a dude. That’s disgusting.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19

Get as mad as you want at your pregnant fourteen year old daughter, it’s still your fault for being a lousy father. If you could have kept that marriage together, that other man would never have moved into your house. If you thought you hated watching Woody Allen movies before…

AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18

The secret to aging gracefully, unfortunately, lies with dying young. You think seat belts are uncomfortable, anyway.

PISCES February 19 – March 20

Fortune smiles upon you, today! More to the point, it fails to shine upon your rival who will be flattened by a comically sized triangular 16 ton weight. Take comfort from knowing that your crow’s feet came naturally while hers came from actual crows walking on and picking the flesh from her pancaked corpse.

White argued that Kirk’s libido indicated a drive to be the best he could be while David argued that Picard’s stoic nature allowed him to transcend many human flaws. When White was attempting to counter David’s argument by pointing out that Kirk would always “Nail the cutest, never be Locutus”, McConnol interjected by saying “I saw the pilot, once! I think Pike is the best!” bringing the conversation to a screeching halt.

McConnol was then told to “taH tam” by White but she persisted, telling the two “men” that she had spent some time watching various Star Trek series in syndication, making her point valid. However, being the first female to interact with both White and David in years, Pike was declared “Greatest Captain Ever” in a futile attempt to initiate “First Contact”.