Michael Douglas, an accountant for the New York trading firm Goldberg, Smith, and Smith, has finally admitted to what the whole 43rd floor has known or suspected for years.
“It’s true,” Douglas confessed to a friend during a late night drinking session. “Those numbers are just so… so… you know what I mean. They just… flow across the page. I mean, I know some of those figures are artificially inflated due to market bubbles, but every time I see the S&P 500 rates, I just get aroused.”
This announcement comes as no surprise to Douglas’ co-workers. “More than once I have opened his office door to find him quickly slip something into his desk, but not before I saw a glimpse of this week’s silver prices,” said analyst Brian Templeton. “I mean, what guy doesn’t get a little excited about the Commodities Market, but, c’mon, you’re at work!”
Douglas remains unapologetic, though. “This does not mean that I love my own company’s consumer pricing any less,” he declared. “Things are really great for us between the spreadsheets. But, a man has needs, y’know. Just because I sometimes like to fantasize about owning shares in other people’s mutual funds doesn’t mean I’m a bad man.”
The Wall Street Journal could not be reached for comment.